15 Dec 05

An Enema Princess

“What are we gettin’ to eat tonight?” Xena said.
“It’s our three-ounces-of-cheese night,” I said.
“I’m surprised you guys can poop after eating all that cheese,” Repo said.
“I never have problems poopin’,” Xena said.
“That’s right, Xena’s got a cork popper at home for her poop chute,” Repo said.
“It’s not a cork popper, it’s a douche bottle. Don’t you know, an enema is the prescription for all ailments. And you have a lot of ailments, Repo. If you like I’ll show you how to do it. It’s a half gallon of pure pleasure,” Xena said.
“I don’t put things in my ass,” Repo said.
“I’d like to know how you do it, Xena, using store items, I imagine?” I asked.
“Yeah. I take a piece of coaxial cable, five-inches long, and gut it, so I just have a hose. I put Saran Wrap around one end and put it through the lid of a shampoo bottle. I take a pen, cut off an inch of the plastic and put the coax cable into the piece of pen. Then I fill the bottle up with coffee - a little warmer than lukewarm. I sit on the toilet with my legs spread, restin’ my right leg on a chair, and I position the hose between my ass cheek. I put a half inch of the hose in my sphincter and squirt the coffee into my cornhole,” Xena said.
“And you do this with your celly in the house?” Repo said.
“Yeah,” Xena said.
“Is that why you use coffee, to hide the smell of shit?” Repo said.
“If that were the case, you’d need a whole lotta coffee pourin’ on your ass,” Xena said.
“How long do you hold the coffee in there?” I asked.
“The first one, I hold for twenty minutes, and then, when I let it out, I repeat the process with clean water. I keep repeatin’ it until everythin’ comes out clear.”
“How many bottles does it usually take?” Repo asked.
“Five bottles, sometimes ten times, until every drop that comes out of me is clear.”
“How often do you this?” Repo asked.
“Twice a week. I’d be happy to show you if you wanna find out.”
“You think Repo needs to try it, Xena?” I said.
“I think it’d make his anus pucker up like a hot prune,” Xena said.
“Does it make you feel bloated, Xena. Do you identify with PMS doin’ this?” Repo said.
“No,” Xena said.
“Are you doin’ it to tighten your ass up? Maybe if you used vinegar it’d tighten you up,” Repo said.
“You’re getting what women use in douches confused with what people doin’ enemas get squirted into their assholes, Repo. I do it for health reasons. I’ve been doing it for about ten years and I hardly ever get sick. I hardly ever have any ailments. I attribute this to the enemas - although people do say I’m crazy in the head.”


14 Dec 05

Anal Virginity Threats: George’s Pitch–Black Orgy Theory

Threat level: moderate

“George, I’ve known you for a year now and I’m still not thinking about the charms of menfolk, like you and Frankie predicted I would,” I said.
“And that’s a damn shame because you have so much foreskin to offer,” George said.
“I don’t see myself going gay before my release.”
“That’s because of your closed mind. You’re not open to the joys of mutual masturbation, which I don’t understand because sometimes you are in the shower for seven minutes and other times you're in the shower for twenty minutes and I know you’re wacking the willy in there.”
“That’s not homosexual, it’s monosexual.”
“Let me ask you this then: what would make you come quicker, your hand or an unfamiliar hand?”
“It depends on the circumstances. Naturally, I’d rather be touched by a woman.”
“So a stranger’s hand is always better.”
“How so?"
“'Cause it’s different. And different is erotic."
“So any strange hand is erotic to you?”
“Yeah. If you’re laying around in the dark and there’s men and women and you feel a hand on your groin - it’s mysterious and erotic. You couldn't care less what gender it is and you know it.” “How would I know that?”
“At some point in your life I feel that you’ve been exposed to some type of curiosity play. Young men have tendencies to get together with other young men prior to them getting together with women. Curiosity is peaked around puberty and it’s rare if you’ve not had such an experience.”
“I haven’t.”
“I think you’re in denial about your curiosities.”
“I don’t think I am, nor do I fantasise about mysterious hand jiggers in dark rooms, or about glory holes or any other sexual outlets revolving around gender ambiguities - an area you seem to be stuck on.”
“I’m equating glory holes to my theory of the pitch-black orgy, which is equivalent to multiple glory holes. A bisexual man at a blacked-out orgy is in seventh heaven. He can pick and choose vaginas and penises, and recipients won’t know the gender of the mouth but they’ll be pleased no end.”
“I’d rather be with a woman than in a blind orgy.”
“I think you’d enjoy it.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re British, Brits are either prim and proper - at one end of the spectrum - or sick and tired of being prim and proper so they’re kinky. There’s little in between and I think you’re at the kinky end. You act prim and proper, but you were a rave king and I know that a lot of ravers are bisexual, so you were the head kink because you ran them. I’m surprised you didn’t have glory holes at your raves.”
“We did have some kinky afterparties.”
“I bet when you were hyped up in mood-enhanced deliriums you probably licked a penis or two.”
“Never!”
“Don’t be ashamed. You should be proud of these things and you should flaunt your penis to those who want to see it."
“And that would include you right?”
“I would like to see him erect, saluting queen Elizabeth or anyone who wants to look at him.”
“I’ve only got a few years to go. I don’t expect to be coming out of the closet that you think I’m in.”
“Before then you’re gonna have people so worked up they’ll be running in the shower after you. You might as well open your mind and give someone else's hand a turn at pleasuring you.”

Pitch black orgies, glory holes, does George make any sense?

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Copyright © 2004-2005 Shaun P. Attwood

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Good old George! he never gives up.
What do the English say - Carpe Deum? or somesuch.
Excellent stuff.

Anonymous said...

No comment on George's topic. I'm bisexual and I think that's the best way to go, but I also think you should be true to whatever you are. Experiment to test the waters perhaps, preferably with a close friend you can trust afterwards, but always be true to who you are and what you want out of life.

Anonymous said...

Xena is definitely ahead of 'her' time!
All the top stars seem to go for colonic irrigation, and pay stupid dollars for it.

Christine said...

Geesh.......don't Try experimenting THERE.......YIKES!!!Too many Icky things ........

For some reason I couldn't find the UK version of Cosmo in my town. I have a friend coming in from England next week and she's going to bring me one! JON's story travels across the ocean to me!!! Can't wait to read it!

Kat said...

for someone in such dire circumstances...you certainly made me laugh!!

and good on Cosmo for publishing your story. Best of luck.

Anonymous said...

UK Cosmo is on sale at Barnes & Noble, I got mine from there.
PS, Xena, coffee enemas? - With or without cream?
Zelda

Anonymous said...

Jon,
I just spent 2 days (at work) compulsively reading your blog - I had Googled "Prison Blogs" (long story, but I spent 2 nights in jail and now what could have been fascinates me).

I'm impressed by your stoicism, your strength and your writing. I do wish you would read more fiction though! Non-fiction is wonderful, but fiction is a good 'escape mechanism' too.

Anyway, there's a letter heading your way, and possibly a visiting order request at the prison........I'm heading out your way in the summer with my mum when she comes out from England.

Good luck, and keep your chin up.

Anonymous said...

Jack Osborne (son of Ozzie) has just lost 60lbs with the assistance of coffee enemas, he says "it was the most miserable thing I ever did"...