17 August 06

Do I have a Haemorrhoid (Part 5)

“It seems,” Shane said, “Your ass was jealous of your balls and started self-injuring. How did you discover the lump?”
“While I was wiping.”
“Hmmm. Through layers of toilet paper you felt it?” Shane asked.
“Yeah. It’s on the outside. Also I felt it during a shower. And I’ve been feeling it ever since.”
“Why do you keep feelin’ it?” Xena asked.
“I have to clean myself don’t I?”
“When I was wiping my ass,” Shane said, “I was thinking there’s no way that you could feel a lump like that.”
“I told you, it’s on the outside!”
“Does it hurt?”
“No.”
“Has there been any blood in your stool?” Xena asked.
“No. It doesn’t even itch. But if my arse falls out I’ll be sure to let you guys know.”
“It seems ,” Xena said, “that it has debilitated you mentally. Anythin’ in your anus that debilitates you mentally needs to be checked out 'cause the stress over somethin’ that may be nothin’ at all can be ten times worse than than the problem.”
“It’s stressful and embarrassing. My pulse shot up when I went to see Odd Job about it.”
“It needs to be seen by a medical eye regardless of the cost of embarrassment,” Xena said.
“Let’s see the cream they gave you.” Shane said.
Pondering the ointment, they took a sinister interest in the intrarectal applicator.
Xena, holding brandishing the applicator, said, “I can give you somethin’ much better than this that’ll shoot up your ass much further.”
“I stopped using the cream.”
“Why?” Shane asked.
“Some strange side effects, including a weird tingling sensation.”
“That’s because,” Xena said, “you have a virginal prostrate. It’s supposed to tingle when you enjoy it. You didn’t realise you were enjoyin’ it 'cause you’re straight.”
“When you wipe, how long do you keep your finger in?” Shane asked.
“In! My finger doesn’t go in! I should have known better than to tell you guys.”
“You hafta,” Xena said, “apply the cream internally. Do you want me to show you how to do it?”
“I’m not using the bloody cream any more!”
“I can,” Xena said, “help you douche with haemorrhoidal cream usin’ a soda bottle with a straw on the end. If you assume the position, I’ll flush you out with a geyser of water. I’d advise you to hold some water in for a bit.”
“Coffee-enema style?” I asked.
“Yes. But I think we’ll use Cola-Cola,” Xena said. “I tried it the other night.”
“Look. I’ve got one little lump. It’s no big deal.”
“So you say,” Xena said.
“What’re you trying to say, that these things travel in packs?”
“Just like wild wolves,” Xena said. “We really need to look in your ass for the internal ones.”
“Before they start hanging out like a bunch of grapes,” Shane said.
“Are you sure there’s been no blood in your stool?” Xena asked.
“Yes!”
“Or on the paper after the wipe?”
“No blood.”

George entered the room, quickly caught on to the topic of discussion, and said, “It’s most likely a cyst. A tiny blister on his backside. If you guys hold him down, I’ll pop it.”
“That’s not happening.” I said.
“He’s even scared of the applicator he’s supposed to insert,"George said. "He’s frightened he may get excited.”
“It’s only an inch and a half. Here let me stick it in for you,” Xena said, approaching me with it. “It won’t hurt.”
George jumped in between me and Xena, offered his rear end to Xena, and yelled, “Do it to me - at a fast rate.”
Xena picked up a Manila envelope and used a corner of it to prick George's behind.
George straightened up and said, “Bad bitch!”
They wrestled until George ran out of steam.
“Look what you started,” Shane said to me.
“Slut!” Xena said, pointing the interectal applicator at George.
“Bitch!”
“I’ve seen cornholes you only dream about. Now what, motherfucker?” Xena said.
“Now, now,” I said. “I thought we were doing a think tank here on my anal lump.”
“My advice, Jon,” Xena said, “is to sit on your bunk, spread your legs like you’re doing’ some yoga position, and grab your tight-ass cheeks and pull them apart. Then you need to move your little balls outta the way – ”
“Hey now!” I said. With all due respect to my balls, they’re not that little in this heat.”
“Well,” Xena said, “they’re not big enough to fall over your anus.”
“Good point,” I said.
“Spread your ass cheeks,” Xena said, “in front of a mirror so you can see your little asshole to find out what’s going on in there.”
“Use your blue eyes to see your brown eye,” Shane said.
“Excellent advice, my deeply-concerned friends,” I said. "I’ll be sure not to do any of these things. I’ll wait and see what the doctor says.”

Addendum: The lump went away so I cancelled my medical appointment. I suspect it was just a blood blister.

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