06 March 06
Xena’s Sex Toys
Silent and hungry we were, awaiting our chow, when Xena suddenly announced, “I made a vibrator once – called the Bumblebee.”
“How’d you make it?" I asked.
“I put the motor from a Walkman into the round plastic bottom of a stick deodorant, and turned it on by taping a wire to it from two double-A batteries.”
“So you made your own pocket rocket,” I said.
“How big was it?” Repo asked.
“Six inches,” Xena said, “But it wasn’t that big around. I didn’t like it that much: it didn’t hit the anal G-spot. After usin’ it a few times, I destroyed it. It was nowhere near as good as the dildo I made.”
“Lets hear how you made the dildo,” Repo said.
“I rolled the cardboard back of a notepad into a mould, and melted strips of plastic bag onto it until I had a nice smooth piece of ten inch plastic -”
Ten inches! I thought.
“- and then I removed the cardboard. To make it more realistic, I wrapped copper wire from co-ax cable around the plastic, and melted more plastic around that. When it was set, I pulled the copper out, giving it hard veins. To give it a penis head, I melted plastic around a deodorant lid until it was bulbous shaped. After takin’ it off its mould, I melted it onto the dildo, so the shaft had a penis-shaped head attached to it.”
Ouch, I thought.
Repo seemed to be deep in thought: “Could you see in your ass when you used it?”
“Yeah,” said Xena. “I was by myself in a cell, so, I’d turn off the TV and lights, and watch myself gettin' freaky in the reflection of the TV screen.”
“You’ve got serious issues, bitch,” Repo said. “Did you write your own manual about its length and girth?”
“I didn’t get round to that,” Xena said.
It seemed like as good a time as any to ask Xena a question inspired by Ann Rice’s Sleeping Beauty Trilogy: “Xena did you ever make yourself a butt plug with a pony tail?”
“A butt plug – no. I can’t put somethin’ in my ass and walk around. Stuff like that makes me feel like I’ve constantly gotta take a dump. Do you ever feel like that, Repo?
“No,” Repo said.
“If you’d like, Repo, I’ll write down step-by-step instructions for fuckin’ yourself in the ass?”
“Nope,” Repo said. “My ass is strictly a one-way street.”
“I find that hard to believe. Surely you’ve keystered somethin’ or had a thermometer shoved in it when you were a kid?” Xena said with conviction.
“To the best of my knowledge, no! Repo said.
“No, definitely not. But I’ll lend you my toothbrush holder if you wanna make yourself another big one.”
“What happened to your dildo?” I asked.
“After a month of pure pleasure, there were some random cell searches, and the cops found it.”
“Did you get a ticket for having a sex toy?” I asked.
“No, but the guards freaked out. They had no idea how to write it up as a ticket. There’s no mention of dildos in DOC policy. A sergeant put my name on it, and displayed it in his office window. That fuelled me and made me more exhilarated. I was really freaky back then. It was in his window at SMU1 for over a year."
What other kinky items have you made? I asked.
“Handcuffs, whips, leather G-strings, and a beaded G-string, and makeup,” Xena said.
“Which was the kinkiest?”
“The beaded G-string.”
“You’ll have to tell me about it someday.”
Email comments to email@example.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood