31 Jan 06

Fish Survival Guide

A fish is a new prisoner, usually someone unschooled in prison etiquette. If you know someone who is heading to prison for the first time, you may want to send them this guide. It could save that person’s life. This survival guide was compiled with the help of Xena who is aware of dozens of people who have been smashed, stabbed or killed for violating these guidelines.

1. Stay out of debt – especially drug debts. If you use drugs, know how to pay for them. More people die from being unable to pay drug debts than for any other reason.

2. Know who the gang members are in your race, and know what their rules are. There are two sets of rules: Department of Corrections' rules and the political rules enforced by the gangs – play them in conjunction. For example, befriending someone from another race may get you smashed. Click here to see a video of an Aryan Brother slaying a prisoner who crossed the gangs.

3. Don’t flash money or property around. Most inmates have little or none, and will take yours if they can. If you have money, help your indigent friends, especially with hygiene products. If you have no cash, get a job or try private enterprise (drawing and tattooing are common).

4. Do not be perceived as being friendly with prison guards, or you may be suspected of snitching, which can get you killed. If you know a guard prior to coming to prison, keep it secret.

5. Do not talk about people unless they are present. Do not whine or complain – especially around lifers – or you may get smashed. Don’t lie, and always keep any promises you make. If you’re a short-timer don’t talk about it. Don’t ask people how much time they are serving, or for why. Wait until you get to know them and they are comfortable around you, if you want to ask these questions.

6. Don’t act like a big shot unless you can fight. Bear in mind that if someone challenges you, and you don’t fight, you may be perceived as weak and be taken advantage of by others.

7. Don’t show weakness or let your emotional barrier down. Especially youngsters, who can easily become extortion and rape fodder for the hardcore. Never cry.

8. If you are gay, stay in the closet unless you are prepared to fight people who will want to stab or rape you. If you are openly gay, find a man with power who can protect you.

9. Don’t become obese or you’ll be perceived as unhealthy and weak, to be preyed upon. In prison, more people work out than in any other society.

10. Learn prison slang. Beware of becoming a "torpedo" – usually a youngster manipulated to smash (beat up) someone so that the manipulator doesn’t get his hands dirty. Beware of someone doing an "okey-doke" on you – for example, an inmate lying to you about being called a punk, so that you will fight his enemy. Beware of becoming a "trick-bag" – being manipulated into saying something offensive to another, not realising that you were being insulting.

11. Stay hygienically clean. Being dirty is considered disrespectful, especially to your own race.

12. If you practice a minority religion, you may want to keep it secret rather than risk being smashed.

13. Don’t cut your life short by contracting a deadly disease from using dirty tattoo instruments or syringes. If you have to inject drugs, bleach the works first.

Click here for my jail survival tips.

Click here to watch my jail survival tips video.

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29 Jan 06

A Shane Day

“What did you do today?” I asked Shane.
“Hmmm, let me think," Shane said. “I woke up fifteen minutes before breakfast, and had a smoke and a cup of coffee before chow. I graced you and Weird Al with my presence at breakfast, and taunted Al about his Jewish diet – something I’ve recently become obsessed with doing.
I spent the morning doing what I do best: loitering in front of my cell, or hanging out in my cell reading or doing legal work. Now that your good ol’ mum and dad have gone, I no longer have to keep an eye out for would-be looters intent on ransacking your cell.”
“And a good looter preventer you were!”
“Also, this morning, I plotted my next tactics against ValueOptions. I’ve been slightly manic the past couple of days, but I’ve been much worse. It’ll pass – as always.
I wrote a letter twice and threw it away. I couldn’t get the right words out. I’ve been trying to write it for a few weeks now. Maybe tomorrow.
At dinner, I dined with you and Al, and pointed out the deficiencies of Al’s Jewish diet – strictly for Al’s benefit of course.
Then I paid you an evening visit for some conversation – but the cell doesn’t look the same without all of your Christmas cards. I love shiny things! I must comment though on your visitor’s area: the dirty sheet your celly left on your sofa – that’s gotta go. What would your mum say?”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
26 Jan 06

The Tarantula Police

“What’s that?” asked a female guard upon seeing Xena playing with Dawg the tarantula.
“A spider,” Xena said.
“Well lemme see it. You know I’m gonna hafta take that.”
“Oh well!” Xena said.

An hour later the guard returned with a sergeant, and a massive guard carrying a white bucket to put Dawg in.
“I heard you’ve got a pet in here,” the sergeant said.
“Yeah,” Xena said in a sad voice.
“Let's see it then,” the sergeant said.
Xena opened his hand and revealed Dawg.
Upon seeing the tarantula, the guards backed away a few steps.
The big guard looked at the sergeant and said,“Sarge, do you wanna put the spider in the bucket?”
The sergeant shook his head.
Xena kissed Dawg’s hairy body, and said, “Bye-bye, little Dawggy. I love you! I’ll see you again in our next lives, I promise.” Xena stepped forward to put Dawg in the bucket, but the guards backed away again. Xena tried once more. The guard held the bucket out at arm's length and Xena put Dawg in it. “Will you set my spider free someplace like the farm area, so he’ll have a chance to survive?”
“I don’t think we have the time to go to the farm,” the sergeant said. “It’ll be easier for us to go to the control room and flush it down the toilet.”
The guards laughed and left.

Later on I asked Xena, “How do you feel now that Dawg's gone?”
“Like shit. I’m very upset – like a woman with PMS.”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
24 Jan 06

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
22 Jan o6

Short-Term Prison Sentences
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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
20 January 06

A Two Tonys Day

“How’s your day going?” I asked Two Tonys.
“I’m havin’ a wonderful day.” Two Tonys said. “It started when I got up this mornin’, and cleaned the house, and had a hot coffee. I went to the chow hall and they had my favourite fuckin’ breakfast: French Toast, grilled potatoes, and hot cereal. I thought I was in the fuckin’ International House of Pancakes for a minute. I was lookin’ for a waitress to order some cheese blintzes.
And what’s nice about the whole fuckin’ thing? - there ain’t no bill. The taxpayers of fuckin’ America are payin’ for my motherfuckin’ keep.
After chow, I went out to rec, walked a bit, played some baseball, and ate some ice cream.
The biggest decision I gotta make today is whether to go to fuckin’ lunch or not. There was a time in my life when I had to make fuckin’ decisions: do I wanna pay this guy or do I wanna pay that guy? – do I wanna whack this guy or do I wanna whack that guy?
I’m havin’ a much better day than some of those rich motherfuckers I knew livin’ on Camelback Mountain when I was in the fuckin’ world. They were worried about makin’ their mortgage payments, or their wives bangin’ the pool cleaner or the landscaper with the leaf-blower on his back – or worried about their high-school daughters getting lungs full of crack from some rapper with dreadlocks and gold teeth, or their teenage boys turnin’ out to be delinquents.
Life is good. A guy my age can actually take nice naps in the afternoon. I’ve got it made. This life ain’t nothin’ but a fuckin’donut, and it keeps getting’ bigger!”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
18 Jan 06

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood
16 Jan 06

Anal Virginity Threats: Defended By The Orange Queen.
Threat level: moderate

“I still think you’re bisexual,” George said.
“Why do you say that?” I said.
“Because in the past you willingly experimented with drugs, which leads you down the same path as experimenting with sex.”
“Drugs never gave me bisexual thoughts; they added oomph to the sex act itself.”
“You’re experimental, but you’re afraid that your bisexuality would diminish your manhood.”

An unexpected visitor joined my side.
“Being experimental doesn’t make him bisexual,” Xena told George.
“Hi Xena! George is trying to convince me that I’m bisexual, and how receiving oral sex from him is in my best interest.”
“Huh! I know Jon’s not bisexual,” Xena said, “‘cos he doesn’t hit on me. Everyone else hits on me. George hit on me once; he offered to buy my penis.”
“George, is that true?” I asked.
“Xena, how much did he offer you?”
“Four hundred dollars.”
“George, that’s twice what you offered me!” I said.
Shame-faced, George admitted, “I know, but I woulda never paid that, I was only trying to get Xena enticed.”
“It seems as though you’re full of diabolical sexual schemes, George,” I said.
“I never did anything with Xena,” George said.
“Let’s get back to the argument at hand. It seems that Xena is agreeing with me that your case for my ‘latent bisexuality’ is flawed.”
“No one is one hundred percent hetro or homo. There’s a sliding scale with various degrees of both between the two extremes. The Britmeister is in denial if he claims to be one hundred percent hetro,” George said with an air of triumph.

“You can’t call him bisexual just because he’s experimental,” Xena said. “I don’t think he has bisexual desires.”
“He does have bisexual desires. They’re latent – down deep,” George insisted.
“You’re fulla shit,” Xena said.
“George, your argument is weak,” I told him. “Xena and I are crushing it.”
“I still think you have bisexual qualities,” George said.
“How so?” I asked.
“’Cos you’re tall, thin, and feminine.” George said.
“Feminine!” I said.
“How’s he feminine?” Xena asked.
“’Cos he’s English,” George said. “All English are feminine.”
“All English are feminine – duh! – that must be it, George,” Xena said with a pinch of sarcasm.
“Look George’s nipples are hard!” Xena said pointing.
George, topless and titillated, tried to wrestle Xena down, but limber Xena tangled him in her lengthy limbs and ejected him from the room.
“Gittouttahere you hairy-ass human tarantula!” Xena said.
George scurried back to his cell.

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood

The Cockney came to visit me today. He is an old friend from the British Pub – The George & Dragon in Phoenix – which his family owns.
He made me laugh hard.
He threatened to visit me again in two months time.

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood

14 Jan 06

C03 Birch’s Perspective on the Prison System

I recently asked Ms. Birch about the prison system.

“Is the emphasis on punishment and retribution, instead of rehabilitation, working?” I asked her.
“I don’t think so. We don’t do anything to make people ready for when they get out of prison. Inmates need coping skills if they are to become productive citizens.
It’s enough punishment just being in here. Prisoners should not have to punished every day,” C03 Birch said.
“Why is there little rehabilitation?”
“It seems that GQ Public wants prisoners locked away. It’s changing though, thanks to people such as Phil Donahue and Oprah Winfrey this stuff is being brought to light. It used to be taboo, hush-hush, but people are slowly finding out.”
“What role are you playing?”
“I feel like we are mentors. We’re setting examples to people who have never worked, by coming to work, rain or shine, and dealing with the stresses of life. A lot of prisoners took the easy way out instead of working hard. I enjoy my job, I’m able to make a difference in inmates lives. There are a few success stories out there, but there’s also the career criminals who think this stuff is just great.”
“What about the prison staff? Do they share your hopeful attitude?”
“There’s some good staff out there. There’s good and bad of everything – inmates and staff. The Robocop types, and the lazy-ass officers are the ones who have nothing coming from the inmates. I’m for the truth, but a lot of staff say ‘ We’ve got to stick together.’ I believe you have to do what is right – including when an officer is wrong and an inmate is right.”
“What percentage of guards are the stick-together variety?”
“It’s about fifty-fifty. Rather than having holier-than-thou attitudes they should realise that everyone makes mistakes, and even officers could end up in prison. All it takes is drinking and driving, fighting with their spouse, or a violent reaction to a loved one getting raped or assaulted.”
“Do you know of any guards who’ve worked for Joe Arpaio?”
“I met a lot of them at a convention. Most of them don’t like Arpaio. They didn’t get into details though, so I’m unsure if he treats his staff as bad as he treats the inmates.”
“Why is the incarceration rate so high in the US versus the rest of the world?”
“Maybe it’s because of the family structure, everybody’s working, and the kids get neglected.”
“Do you think that stiff prison sentences are the solution to reducing crime?”
“No. A lot of prisoners need treatment. We have whole prisons full of sex offenders now. Ninety-nine percent of them were abused as children. It’s a perpetuating cycle. People say, castrate them or put them in prison forever. They need treatment. The cycle must be broken.”
“I’ve spoken to prisoners who have been molested by priests, yet the churches just move them around. That can’t be right.”
“There’s a high-ranking officer who was molested by a priest in Tucson.”
“Sexually molesting children is an abhorrent crime, but what about the nineteen or twenty year old juvenile who has consensual sex with his sixteen or seventeen year old girlfriend and her family turn him in. Should he end up in prison?”
“No. Not if the girl is in her mid to late teens. But it happens often. In one case the boyfriend was sent to prison leaving his underage girlfriend pregnant, and when she turned eighteen she came and visited him against her family's wishes.”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood