26 Jan 06

The Tarantula Police

“What’s that?” asked a female guard upon seeing Xena playing with Dawg the tarantula.
“A spider,” Xena said.
“Well lemme see it. You know I’m gonna hafta take that.”
“Oh well!” Xena said.

An hour later the guard returned with a sergeant, and a massive guard carrying a white bucket to put Dawg in.
“I heard you’ve got a pet in here,” the sergeant said.
“Yeah,” Xena said in a sad voice.
“Let's see it then,” the sergeant said.
Xena opened his hand and revealed Dawg.
Upon seeing the tarantula, the guards backed away a few steps.
The big guard looked at the sergeant and said,“Sarge, do you wanna put the spider in the bucket?”
The sergeant shook his head.
Xena kissed Dawg’s hairy body, and said, “Bye-bye, little Dawggy. I love you! I’ll see you again in our next lives, I promise.” Xena stepped forward to put Dawg in the bucket, but the guards backed away again. Xena tried once more. The guard held the bucket out at arm's length and Xena put Dawg in it. “Will you set my spider free someplace like the farm area, so he’ll have a chance to survive?”
“I don’t think we have the time to go to the farm,” the sergeant said. “It’ll be easier for us to go to the control room and flush it down the toilet.”
The guards laughed and left.

Later on I asked Xena, “How do you feel now that Dawg's gone?”
“Like shit. I’m very upset – like a woman with PMS.”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a horrible thing to do to someone - kill their pet just because letting it go outside would be slightly more inconvienient.
Can you imagine the news reponse if joe publics puppy was treated similarly?
My sympathys and best wishes go to Xena.

Anonymous said...

What a shame. I hope Xena soon gets over it.
Terry B

Christine said...

Bastards......if you're not to shy give Xena a hug from another spider lovin' woman!!

Lena said...

Hey, did you know that your blog is featured in this month's cosmopolitan? Fame!

TeevHo said...

I hate to come across as the lone animal-torturing freak here but that story just made me laugh out loud hard. Sorry the spider died but man, you wreaked comedic gold from that one.