20 January 06

A Two Tonys Day

“How’s your day going?” I asked Two Tonys.
“I’m havin’ a wonderful day.” Two Tonys said. “It started when I got up this mornin’, and cleaned the house, and had a hot coffee. I went to the chow hall and they had my favourite fuckin’ breakfast: French Toast, grilled potatoes, and hot cereal. I thought I was in the fuckin’ International House of Pancakes for a minute. I was lookin’ for a waitress to order some cheese blintzes.
And what’s nice about the whole fuckin’ thing? - there ain’t no bill. The taxpayers of fuckin’ America are payin’ for my motherfuckin’ keep.
After chow, I went out to rec, walked a bit, played some baseball, and ate some ice cream.
The biggest decision I gotta make today is whether to go to fuckin’ lunch or not. There was a time in my life when I had to make fuckin’ decisions: do I wanna pay this guy or do I wanna pay that guy? – do I wanna whack this guy or do I wanna whack that guy?
I’m havin’ a much better day than some of those rich motherfuckers I knew livin’ on Camelback Mountain when I was in the fuckin’ world. They were worried about makin’ their mortgage payments, or their wives bangin’ the pool cleaner or the landscaper with the leaf-blower on his back – or worried about their high-school daughters getting lungs full of crack from some rapper with dreadlocks and gold teeth, or their teenage boys turnin’ out to be delinquents.
Life is good. A guy my age can actually take nice naps in the afternoon. I’ve got it made. This life ain’t nothin’ but a fuckin’donut, and it keeps getting’ bigger!”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood

6 comments:

Justin said...

That was an interesting take on life in prison as compared to life on the outside.

Anonymous said...

I just ran across the blog actually doing a search on madison jail, I was hoping to find someone writing about their experiences there simply out of curiousity...I'm interested in knowing how this blogging from jail thing works.
I am fascinated by the accounts from prison, my brother has been in Madison and tent city and I'm always so eager to hear his stories when he has gotten out, it's like watching a horror movie and a comedy all at once (my brother has a really humorous way of telling things that are horrible as well).
Anyways, you're in my thoughts and I appreciate the time you spend writing this blog. It's really interesting and spins some humour into an awful situation.
Take care,
M.

Anonymous said...

How long is Two Tonys in for? Will he ever get out to 'wack' anybody else?
Could I hire him if he does? (joke)
Bill

Anonymous said...

Two Tonys is my favourite character, for sure. He wouldn't even need lines writing for him for a cameo part in a Tarantino film.

Anonymous said...

Be careful about posting things like that, Arpaio will no doubt use it to justify the conditions in his prison.

Anonymous said...

oh yes, its a bundle of laughs in there, especially if you are never, ever going to get out.
Incidentally Arpaio does not run the State prisons.