28 Feb 06
My Chess Cheerleader’s Dirty Tricks
I play chess with Frankie daily. On days when I win, I feel happy for a while. But tonight, I wasn’t doing so well. Although the score was 3-3, I’d been reduced to a king in the seventh game. Frankie’s king, rook and pawn were moving in for the kill.
“Englandman,” Frankie said, displaying a smile that suggested he was confident of an imminent victory, “now your parents are no longer in town, I’m gonna stop being nice to you. I’m gonna show you who you’re fuckin’ with. I thought I told you already: I write chess books. Pop–pop–pop.” Frankie began shadowboxing above the chessboard.
His taunts increased my anxiety. All I could see were hopeless moves.
“Englandman, just give it up. Don’t make me do this to you.”
I was about to surrender, when a giant, wearing what appeared to be a jockstrap over his head, ran into the room, bumped his hip into Frankie, and started bouncing up and down, singing, “Boinnng-boinnng-boinnng…”
“Hi Xena!” I said.
“Everybody’s laughing at me and I don’t know why,” Xena said.
“What’s that on your head?” Frankie said.
“My new headdress.”
“It looks like a jockstrap,” Frankie said. “Englandman, is this some kinda set-up? You put Xena up to this to distract me didn’t you?”
“I’ve got somethin’ to ask you, Frankie,” Xena said. “ I heard you stripped down to a jockstrap in your house?”
“No I didn’t,” Frankie said.
“I heard you wuz walkin’ round your cell, showin’ your ass, and sayin’, ‘Hey homies, how’d I look?'”
“That never happened,” Frankie said, baring his teeth like an animal ready to bite.
“Did you ever wear a jockstrap or anything sexy like this for Yum-Yum?” Xena asked.
“No!” The look on Frankie's face suggested he was having difficulty concentrating.
I moved my king to an area that increased the probability of the game being a stalemate, and I hoped that Xena would continue distracting Frankie - after all Frankie made it a habit of coming on to me during chess.
Frankie made a bad move, and said,“Shush, Xena, you’re gettin’ me hard.”
“How am I gettin’ you hard?” Xena said. “Ohhhh! I almost forgot. That’s right. You’re Frankie. Is it Frankie and Yum-Yum or Frankie and Johnny?”
Frankie glowered at me, and said, “You’re doin’ me dirty, Englandman - havin’ Xena come over to distract me like this.”
“I didn’t know that Xena was coming. Her talking is distracting me as well.”
Xena continued to harass Frankie about Yum-Yum. Noticably distracted, he placed his king closer to mine, leaving me nowhere to move.
“Stalemate!” I yelled.
“Oh, you guys stalemated. I guess you aren’t so hard as you say you are Frankie – at least, not that hard to beat. Did you let Yum-Yum stalemate you like that, so you could get some from her that night?”
“Shut up, Xena! That wasn’t fair,” Frankie said, and left looking miffed.
Email comments to email@example.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood