27 Sept 06
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The prison blog of an Orwellian unperson. As shown on National Geographic Channel's Banged Up/Locked Up Abroad episode Raving Arizona.
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2006
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December
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12 comments:
Beautiful writing Jon!
Not bad, mate not bad at all.
BUT, that last sentence seems very rushed.
Something like
"In stark contrast to the post-apocalyptic scene below, three clouds, soft looking, like a babies new hair, floated in a beautiful azure sky"
Just a thought.
Keep it up though mate. There's bank in what you are doing. Sanity too.
Tony
Hey Tony, haven't you heard that 'less is more' - Jon caught the image in a few words which is pure genius,
fvurtltony ? its not a porno. the finality and contrast is beautiful.I think Jon nailed the assignment and really captured his surroundings. amongst the drab .....there is beauty up above.
nice work Jon
I like the "architecture of oppression" reference. Nice job!
Love your descriptions, especially the last line, the contrast with the fluffy clouds and oppression - awesome - keep writing
Your writing is developing and you are heading for sure success. Keep focused on what you want to achieve and go for it. Zak
chuckle
Ok, ok, I get it. Short is sweet.
Being only 5'8", I always knew that.
Tony
Maybe shorter is sweeter. Maybe "this architecture of oppression"- though good -is unneccessary. If you've done a good job describing it (which you have) you don't have to tell them. Maybe end simply - "High above, three fluffy clouds hovered in a beautiful blue sky." ??
A far cry from 'Kes'.
Is this a new form of Shakespeare?!
Take care. Terry B
"High above this architecture of oppression, three fluffy clouds hovered in a beautiful blue sky."
I think that is my favorite sentence out of the entire wonderfully visual lot of them.
I would like more information about this
ugly girls
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