The prison blog of an Orwellian unperson. As shown on National Geographic Channel's Banged Up/Locked Up Abroad episode Raving Arizona.
Beautiful writing Jon!
Not bad, mate not bad at all. BUT, that last sentence seems very rushed. Something like "In stark contrast to the post-apocalyptic scene below, three clouds, soft looking, like a babies new hair, floated in a beautiful azure sky"Just a thought. Keep it up though mate. There's bank in what you are doing. Sanity too. Tony
Hey Tony, haven't you heard that 'less is more' - Jon caught the image in a few words which is pure genius,
fvurtltony ? its not a porno. the finality and contrast is beautiful.I think Jon nailed the assignment and really captured his surroundings. amongst the drab .....there is beauty up above.nice work Jon
I like the "architecture of oppression" reference. Nice job!
Love your descriptions, especially the last line, the contrast with the fluffy clouds and oppression - awesome - keep writing
Your writing is developing and you are heading for sure success. Keep focused on what you want to achieve and go for it. Zak
chuckleOk, ok, I get it. Short is sweet. Being only 5'8", I always knew that. Tony
Maybe shorter is sweeter. Maybe "this architecture of oppression"- though good -is unneccessary. If you've done a good job describing it (which you have) you don't have to tell them. Maybe end simply - "High above, three fluffy clouds hovered in a beautiful blue sky." ??
A far cry from 'Kes'.Is this a new form of Shakespeare?!Take care. Terry B
"High above this architecture of oppression, three fluffy clouds hovered in a beautiful blue sky."I think that is my favorite sentence out of the entire wonderfully visual lot of them.
Post a Comment