27 Sept 06

11 comments:

David Vogel said...

Beautiful writing Jon!

Tony said...

Not bad, mate not bad at all.

BUT, that last sentence seems very rushed.

Something like

"In stark contrast to the post-apocalyptic scene below, three clouds, soft looking, like a babies new hair, floated in a beautiful azure sky"

Just a thought.

Keep it up though mate. There's bank in what you are doing. Sanity too.

Tony

Sal said...

Hey Tony, haven't you heard that 'less is more' - Jon caught the image in a few words which is pure genius,

sean in canada said...

fvurtltony ? its not a porno. the finality and contrast is beautiful.I think Jon nailed the assignment and really captured his surroundings. amongst the drab .....there is beauty up above.

nice work Jon

Don said...

I like the "architecture of oppression" reference. Nice job!

Anonymous said...

Love your descriptions, especially the last line, the contrast with the fluffy clouds and oppression - awesome - keep writing

Zak said...

Your writing is developing and you are heading for sure success. Keep focused on what you want to achieve and go for it. Zak

Tony said...

chuckle

Ok, ok, I get it. Short is sweet.

Being only 5'8", I always knew that.

Tony

Steve F. said...

Maybe shorter is sweeter. Maybe "this architecture of oppression"- though good -is unneccessary. If you've done a good job describing it (which you have) you don't have to tell them. Maybe end simply - "High above, three fluffy clouds hovered in a beautiful blue sky." ??

Anonymous said...

A far cry from 'Kes'.
Is this a new form of Shakespeare?!
Take care. Terry B

Devout Melist said...

"High above this architecture of oppression, three fluffy clouds hovered in a beautiful blue sky."

I think that is my favorite sentence out of the entire wonderfully visual lot of them.