20 Mar 07

Xena V Bones

“How do you know if your celly is gay?” Xena asked.
“I dunno,” I said. “How?”
“’Cause his dick tastes like shit.”
“That’s foul.”
“I heard you’re gonna be banned from America,” Xena said.
“Yeah.”
“Hopefully, I’ll be banned from America too.”
“You guys are only being banned 'cause you’re gay,” said Bones. (Red’s partner, not Bones the South Side Posse Blood.)
“Bones ain’t gay,” Xena said. “He’s bisexual, but he only likes the female gender that walks on all fours. If he were an Iraqi, his girlfriend would have two humps. But for the moment he’s willin’ to settle for a ground squirrel.”
“My Auntie Lily, “I said, “claimed that sheep are the best fit.”
“Your Auntie Lily,” Xena said, “knows what’s up, but Bones doesn’t like sheep 'cause they’re too hairy and remind him of his celly. Besides, for someone of Bones’ delicate proportions, a ground squirrel is the right fit.”
“Fuck you, Xena,” Bones said. “I’m gonna kill you.”
“If Bones had a second penis in the back of his pants, it’d look just like another haemorrhoid.”
Argggh!” Bones said.
“What did Bones just say?” I asked.
“He said they’re not piles, they’re pimples. But he’s wrong 'cause if they were pimples, they wouldn’t be speaking to me. If you’ve never heard a haemorrhoid talk, just ask Bones to bend over. He does it all the time for me, and the last time one of the haemorrhoids said, ‘Lady Xena, you are the ruler and love of my life, and you can talk about me however you so shall choose.’ Bones still misses his squirrel [Bones once had a pet squirrel], and he misses it 'cause he can’t get blow jobs no more.”
“Is that right Bones?” I asked.
“Shut up! Both of you,” Bones said.
Slope joined us, and said,"It's the fuckin' pond skipper."
“What would you like Bones’ response to be, Xena?” I said.
“If you put this on the Internet,” Bones said, “I will pay people on Yard 1 to bend you over and get your guts. Arrrgh…”
“I’m lost, Bones,” I said. “Can you elaborate?”
“He’s sayin’,” Slope said, “you’ll be getting’ a cream-filled donut.”
“Xena, do you have my back on this?” I said.
“Your fuckin’ backside,” Bones said.
“You goddamn fuckin’ Limey fuckin’ inbred fuckin’ aristocrats needta quit inbreedin’,” Slope said.
“You’d better watch yourselves,” I said. “Xena’s got my back.”
“It’s too bad,” Xena said, “that I’m a homosexual 'cause Bones wants to hit it. He has lurid dreams about me. ”

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

thanks 4 your post.
and Please keep your writing up.

as one of the guys in my " fathers in Prison class " has recently said , " the state of American Prison's is no camp cup-cake"

Regards,
Deborah
Parents in Prison
Inside/Out Grads Grp
Inside/Out Prison Intiative
Tennessee

Anonymous said...

Yeesh. Sounds like Jon had to walk on some eggshells there. Hope it was all in good fun.

Don said...

Wonderful!! Another Xena post! Keep 'em coming!!

Diary of an irish woman said...

glad to hear Xena is still giving as good as she gets. I was wondering what had happened to the lady. Good luck on all the writing and keep it up when you're finally back in chilly England.