Flashback to Yard 4

The Distaste Harboured by Two Tonys for TV Mourners

“Yesterday,” Two Tonys began, “I turn on my TV set, and all I get is this fuckin’ Gerald Ford guy. They’re showin’ his fuckin’ life, his fuckin’ wife, his fuckin’ kids – on every channel: Ford – Ford – Ford. And everybody’s cryin’ over this fuckin’ guy: wah – wah – fuckin’ - wah. Whatthafuck am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to be mourning this motherfucker who never put a penny on my books? And I look at these fuckin’ schloughs, the people in line lookin’ at Ford’s body, wahin’ away as if their own mothers had croaked, actin’ like they know the motherfucker when they don’t know shit from Shinola. And I’m thinkin’: Ford was probably a nice guy who didn’t fuck his page boys and had his fuckin’ moments, but I ain’t gonna spend my afternoon mournin’ the motherfucker. Whatthafucks wrong with these fuckin’ people?
And it’s the same with James Brown. They’re mournin’ that motherfucker’s ass down there in Georgia. He never put no cash on my books either. And at his eulogy, I don’t hear 'em bustin' out with how he beat his old lady, and how he had fathered bastard kids all over the universe. Give that motherfucker a space-shuttle ticket to Mars, and he woulda had kids up there too. I didn’t hear the Reverend Al Sharpton mention how James fucked everything back stage that wasn’t tied down. And guess who shows up at his funeral? The world’s fuckin’ ugliest chomo: Michael Jackson with his fucked up face.
Death usually comes in threes, I’m told. First James Brown. Then that fuckin’ punk Ford who pardoned the biggest crook next to Dubya to ever get in the White House: Richard Nixon. So I said to myself: who’s gonna be the third? And lo and behold they kill the motherfucker who thought he was the second comin’ of Nebucadnezzar: Saddam Hussein. They put a noose around his neck, and hung him yellin’ ‘Burn in hell, motherfucker.’ Now don’t get me wrong, if ever a motherfucker had a good killin’ comin’ it was Saddam – especially for killin’ all those Kurds with the WMD and chemical weapons Ronald Reagan and Henry Kissinger sold him to attack Iran with. But I liked the way Saddam didn’t snivel. I’d like to go out like that – with no fuckin’ hood. Saddam went out on a strong note. He was a killer and a thug and all that shit, but ain’t they all? Bush is a fuckin’ killer: sixty or seventy thousand dead in Iraq ain’t no collateral damage – it’s straight up killin’, it’s genocide. I like how when they put the noose around his neck, Saddam was yellin’ Mohammed is his messenger, Allah is great, and all that Koran shit. Attaboy Nebuchadnezzar.
When John Lennon got whacked by that fuckin’ nutcake, they were lined up outside his and Yoko Ono’s fuckin’ apartment singin’ Imagine, Give Peace a Chance, and all that shit. Now did I like his music? Yes. Did the motherfucker ever put any money on my books from all his fuckin’ millions? No, not one single penny. Would he have come to my fuckin funeral if some fuckface had shanked me in the fuckin’ windpipe? Definitely not. How many of those motherfuckers out on the streets and at his funeral ever get to have tea and crumpets with the Liverpudlian? Not fuckin’ many. Yet they were out on the streets mournin’ like motherfuckers.
People need to getthafuck over the deaths of motherfuckers they don’t even know. Even if someone’s mom dies, shed a few tears, bury her, and get on with your fuckin’ life. 'Cause lemmetellyasomethin’: death is a part of fuckin’ life. Life and death go together like pork chops and apple sauce. Death ain’t nothin’. True believers in the Pearly Gates can’t wait to die. Same goes for the jihadists and their virgins. I ain’t been, but I’ve sent a few motherfuckers to the other side. But if they were alive today, they’d probably be trailer-park trash eatin’ outta Chef Boyardee cans, so I did 'em a favour. But that’s what I do, I do favours.
These TV mourners have got no fuckin’ lives. All this wah-wah-wah buisness is a cry for fuckin' help in a world that’s slowly becomin’ an insane asylum.”

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood

14 comments:

AndrewM said...

The man speaks a lot of sense.

Anonymous said...

No he doesnt, hes rude! He says ME ME ME, I didnt get no fucking money why should I care? Yea we live and die. BUT people have feelings and they are allowed to care for whoever they choose, Wether it be a crook or a saint.

poons said...

Is Two Tonys a distance cousin of Tory MP Boris Johnson?

Vicky said...

Genius, absolute genius.

tslandry said...

Im hoping that if Two Tonys was able to post today, he would admit to being amongst those who are mourning for the victims of V Tech regardless of the fact that they never but a penny in any of our shoes....we can mourn what we lost....the lost opportunities and the senselessness of it all makes us all mourn. I believe Two Tonys is mourning too...

Anonymous said...

Please congratulate Two Tonys on being so well informed about public affairs.

Anonymous said...

A good example of the hysteria on the death of strangers is Princess Diana.
Nice one Two Tonys.

PhD - PhilosopherDog said...

Oh hell yea do I agree with this emotion. I just turn the TV off for an entire week. The conservative media follows stories like a bunch of little kids playing soccer — look, there goes the ball! and they all run toward it. I too, hate all these bawling, screaming, praying little whimp-ass fucks racing from one camera to another just to get their mug on TV.

Next thing they'll want a special day of mourning, then a stamp, then the flag at half mast, then a relief fund, then they'll all write survivor books, then comes the crappy/sappy TV movie.

From OJ to Clinton's dick to Anna Nicole to whatever, it's all endless, useless noise. On the day these 32 folks got killed at VTU, over 200 died in Baghdad because of our war. But the corporate media doesn't even think that's worth a mention, much less a story. Drives me nuts.

Anonymous said...

US citizens = incensitive assholes

Anonymous said...

Hello
Just wanted to THANK YOU for sharing..
Very impressed, with your courage and honesty
I understand, in a small way what you are going thru, know.. thanks to you.
Please know that you are in my prayers..be well.. and take care of yourself!
LB

Anonymous said...

DAMN RIGHT Two Tony's. The media doesn't care for the people they splash on the TV or in their magazines. It is all about the cash !! I know that if I or my family were a victim of something, I WOULD NOT want to see and here about it OVER and OVER and OVER again. And yes, we all feel bad when something terrible happens. But the next day we all go on about our business. Simple hard truth.

I say KUDOS to Two Tonys !!

Don said...

Two Tonys speaks the truth. Always love to hear his unbiased opinion!

And as for "Anonymous", learn how to spell when you insult.

Anonymous said...

I love Two Tonys rant on TV funerals, I could not say it better!

Anonymous said...

Two Tonys reminds me of some 15th century Italian condottiere like Francesco Sforza who ended up Duke of Milan