6 March 05

Loneliness

It is 11:40am and I am miserable. Claudia - the young lady who I was living with and engaged to at the time of my arrest - had promised that she would visit today but she hasn’t shown up. Visitation hours range from 8.00am until 3.00pm, and the afternoon is near. I was up bright and early, showered and shaved, beaming in anticipation of her company, but every passing hour has increased my tension. I am so sad my appetite has vanished.

This state of mind is not Claudia’s fault - it is my own. I am forever in her debt for everything she did for me. It would be wrong to expect her to put her life on hold for me. If I love her then shouldn't I want her to be happy? It's difficult. Losing her is one of the worst things that's happened to me. But what can I do? Kick and scream? Feel sorry for myself? Or try to be like Mr. Spock? There's a difficulty with trying to be like Mr. Spock: I am human, emotional, and fallible. And fragile on days like these.

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

....there's always George!

Anonymous said...

Oh, that's terrible! (George Comment) Funny, maybe even hilarious, but terrible. Poor Jon.

Lady Arkles said...

Jon
This is such a sad post.
I hope you eventually got your visit.
On the outside we tend to forget that life stands still for those in prison.

Sending you a "virtual" hug!
Rachel x

Anonymous said...

Oh, Jon. I am sympathetic, to say the least, to your woes about Claudia. She was there for you during the most difficult of times and you do not want to let go of her. You have put her in a difficult position as I am sure that she still loves you. What is it that you really expect her to do in her predicament? She will suffer regardless of what transpires between the two of you, ie remains devoted to you or moves on, but maybe you could lessen that blow. For many reasons, I feel compelled to tell you that you should let her go and focus on the loving support you have from family, friends, and your blog readers. I am not saying that you have to let go of her permanently, just for now until you are liberated.
Perhaps you should read some philosophy on the subject of love to aid you in your course of action. A famous quote from the Bible describes love as unselfish, amongst the long list of its other descriptions, but I do not think it accounts for the human aspect and link to love. Humans are selfish and this quote is extremely ideological. This is not to discredit it, but more to give you something to think about as I believe the quote is something we should endeavour to aspire to. I will wait to see what the outcome of your decision turns out to be. As always, wishing you the very best.
JMK

Zen said...

Dear Jon,

You are a very intelligent man in the perfect place at the perfect time to tell a etory in your unique way.

Your stories are revealing a truth in a way no-one else has.

You are experiencing many of the things that damage and stunt the spiritual growth of so many people in the hands of a system that is cold-bloodedly heartless.

As a man on the spiritual path, it is your task to go through the roller-coaster of emotions until you can achieve a level of balance where you rise above everything around you.

When you do, you will be recognised for what you truly are, rather than what you have been percieved to be.

The secret is a simple one - "What you put out, returns!"

The truth is that, like all of us, you desire above all else to be loved, but the question is this: "Do you truly love yourself?"

This is the hardest lesson to learn.

You have placed yourself in a hothouse where the heat is forcing you to grow so much faster than you would have done in your previous life.

Your pen displays your growing insight as you extend yourself into Living Your Truth.

Hard as it is, this experience places you in the fast track of spiritual growth.

"What you put out, returns!" is true because the Universal Mind, God, Source ( call it what you will ), is aware of your every thought, word, and deed, and it individually tailors events to you in ways that potentially extend your insight to the maximum you are willing to extend yourself to - subject to your free will.

Put another way - you are never alone.

Let me give you an example: I am aware of your blog, but do not own a TV.

I travel by thumbing lifts, and one trip turns into a weird zig-zag across country, and a mere 40 mile journey takes 24 hours.

At 2.30 am I am thumbing on a dual carriageway and a van screams to a halt, and I end up in a delapidated caravan within the walls of a battery overlooking Plymouth Sound that was built circa 1810 against Napoleon.

The TV is on Channel Four, and who should be on but Sherrif Joe!

We are all connected, Jon!

Best wishes from Zen :-)

Anonymous said...

I feel awful for Jon. Losing someone you love is hard under normal circumstances. Not even being able to do anything to try to save the relationship is infinitely worse. Many marriages and relationships break up after a spouse or partner is incarcerated. Those that survive are stretched to the breaking point time after time by all the usual things (loneliness, temptations, etc.) plus all the prison-imposed ones.
Dave

sueo said...

Hi Dearest Nephew, I read about Claudia and knowing both of you as I do I shed a tear. I empathise with your situation and know only too well the heartache of not being in control. Remember when Kelly had the car accident in 1989? I felt at times like death would have been better than to see someone who looked the same but had changed forever and who, as you know I lost eventually through the pain of divorce. I think that's what happens to relationships when traumatic separations occur which neither has any real control over and events must be played out to the (Shakespearean) bitter end. "parting is such sweet sorrow" isn't it just? All I can tell you is what I think Fred would have said when relationships don't work out "It wasn't meant to be". Perhaps later in your life you will rekindle the relationship with Claudia, but if not I sincerely hope that you will one day look back on this time and know in your heart Fred would have been right. Perhaps your future partner is still out there waiting for you? Perhaps Claudia has some learning to do about herself, life and love?
Take care and know you are loved very much by all your family and I am certain you will find happiness that you so richly deserve.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry lovely, know that we think of you often...all your old friends. Impaitently awaiting your return to us, your favorite car crasher and those close to me.