10 Sept 06
It’s hard not to wake up at 6am on Yard 1. At 6am the guard in the control room presses a button and the teeth in our doors grind.
Next up are the noises of inmates coming alive: sneezing, coughing, noses blowing, urine splashing, behinds flatulating and defecating, toilets flushing, water running, and razors against sinks ra-ta-ta-tapping.
One of my neighbours, Black Nine, a massive African American, usually wakes up chanting, “I’m sooo very gay”, or singing a song that begins with, “Jack-jack-jack me orrf!”
By 6:10am, the first swear word of the day – usually motherfucker – makes itself heard from the circles of smokers forming outside.
Listening to the radio offers no reprieve: Call 1-800-Progressive. Progressive Direct Insurance Company….Krispy Kreme Donuts….Do you suffer from heavy or long-lasting or frequent menstrual cycles? Call 886-800-9060….When you’re a hardcore biker like me, it’s nice to know that Geico….This week on ABC it’s Extreme Makeover….XM Satellite Radio….Do you have what it takes to be a successful rapper?….Zero percent interest for sixty months. Jim Click Dodge in the Auto Mall….Zycam Cold Remedy Swabs….There is a massive shortage of helicopter pilots….M&M Reece’s Pieces….Arizona womens’ basketball is taking off….Circuit City, HD radio….Vegetable oil has an extremely high lubricity factor….How do you not have a celebrity shredding service?
Before breakfast is served, the guards in the control room start to make announcements over the speaker system: “Yard 1, last call for chow….Visitation porters turn out for work….Baker 13, report to the bubble in compliance, you’re going to disciplinary….Education, turn out.” Some announcements have been made by a woman with the gruffest cartoon voice I’ve ever heard. I laugh every time I hear her. She should be in Hollywood doing wicked-witch voiceovers.
Sometimes my other neighbour, Spider (an inmate with long hair who introduced himself as a "dope fiend"), charges into my cell and yells,
“Come on you bloody bloke, the chow hall’s open!”
Depending on whoever is ready first, I either get Weird Al or Weird Al gets me, and we head for our potatoes and porridge and begin the day's banter.
Email comments to email@example.com or post them below
Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood