14 Apr 08

From Two Tonys (Letter 3)

Two Tonys - A whacker of men and Mafia associate serving multiple life sentences for murders and violent crimes. Claims all his victims "had it coming." His acerbic wit may upset the politically correct.


Greetings & Salutations,

I received your letter of March 8th. Please forgive me for taking so long to respond. Yeah! Like you’re sitting on top of your mail box waiting for my letter. You cad, I know what you’re doing. Now that Mum and Dad are away for holiday (as you Limeys say) you’re playing house with Posh Bird (now that’s a classy moniker). Now let me be honest, I’d rather picture you laying up with Posh Bird than laying in that stinking fuckin cell eating your peanut butter as you wait for the door to crack so you can get to that fuckin chow hall and get your issue of whatever it was they were feeding you. It looked like some kind of rabbit or kangaroo food. No offense. I’ll always recall you out in the middle of that big field in the grass standing on your head or tying your skinny arse into some kind of figure 8.

Hey, I receeived some good books from one of your Brit friends in London. He sent me some Poe, some Into Thin Air, and Little Big Man. All 3 seem interesting, but my point is that was nice of the bloke.

Everything around this place is just as fucked up as normal. Ogre got out. Fuck him.

You asked about my highs and lows of the week here. My high of the week is Thurs night, I phone my kid in Phoenix. I talk to my grandboys ages 10 and 2 ½, sometimes my son-in-law. And I enjoy that call. They visit about every 4 months and that’s a lot of enjoyment. I love them all a lot. OK, that’s enough. I’m getting melancholy. I can’t afford to get melancholy in this shit hole. A man has to stay strong. Would Ivan Denisovich get melancholy? I don’t think Two Tonys can afford it.

You asked for my favorite movie. There’s a few. One is Unforgiven by Clint Eastwood. It was great. He was really fucked up. He did a lot of bad shit over the years. But in the end, when he pulled the plug and said fuck it, he really stepped up to the plate. I liked it. Also a movie called Ryan’s Daughter. Rent it. It’s good. This Irish guy is a rat and they blame his daughter and he lets her take the fall. It’s a good flick. You and Posh Bird will really enjoy it together. Look for the scene where the English officer is watching the sunset on the beach, missing the Irish girl. Like I said, it’s good. I wouldn’t steer you wrong. I’m the one who introduced you to Tom Wolfe when you were still reading Stephen King as you waited for your Big Mac and diet soda with fries. Besides it’s an English movie. Yeah, I said English. You guys do put on a much better flick than that Hollywood shit. Just look at Masterpiece Theater. My favourite was I, Claudius (16 weeks long). I was on the streets and had just got in a predicament where I was hurt and had to heal up for a few months, so I discovered Masterpiece Theater. It’s the best. You mentioned Tom Wolfe. Fuck yeah, he’s still my boy. If you run across a better author, please tell me.

If I could rewind any part of my life it would be a Saturday night in 1974, Anchorage, Alaska. I had a club called The Green Dragon, a rock ’n’ roll joint. It’s Saturday. It’s packed. I’ve had a few drinks. I’m feeling good and I go in the back of the bar to my liquor room to get a bottle or two, and my bartender, a dude named Joe Scanlon, is snorting some coke. So he offers me some and I try it. Bang! I grow about 2 feet. I get a lot handsomer, wittier and wiser. I love it. Then a short time later this hot chick hooks up with my sorry married ass and she loves it. And at first I could really bang, but in the end that shit affects your testosterone or something. It fucked up my whole life. That’s what I would rewind.
Drugs, what a fuck up they are. Look, I’m 67 years old now, and my daughter who I love more than anything in the world has two of the cutest boys I’ve seen, now you know I’d like to pick them up and spend the weekend, but no, I’m doing this time. It’s my fault, but it’s still fucked up no matter how I try to sugar coat it with my PMA.
I’ve been in crime since I was a kid. It was a neighborhood thing, a peer thing. But this other shit. This so called wackin thing. When the fuck did it show up? Sure we cracked a few heads and even broke a couple of arms, but this takin life thing started DD (During Drugs). Was it all business? No. Some was a get even for a so called affront to me. Yeah, I was a tough guy for 10 seconds and now I’m a shower porter and an asshole for 100 years give or take a few. It not only changed my life, but many other things. Victims got Mom, Dad, kids, sisters, but they got in de bizznezz or fucked with the wrong people. It boils down to bad decision making on all sides. Drugs, yeah bro, I’d re-do that shit. I’d keep my mind wired on success. I don’t want to sound like I’m snivelling because the world hates a sniveller.
I’ll do this time, or what I can do of it. I’ll have fun. I’ll watch TV. I’ll read books. I’ll visit my kids. I’ll joke with these jabronies. But if I could rewind, as you call it, I’d rewind the fuckin drugs. Don’t fuck around Shaun! But you know that don’t you?

Death penalty? We discussed this before but I’ll reiterate. Yeah, some motherfuckers need a good killing. People that hurt kids, old folks, nice ladies on their way to the mall, guys on their jobs or resting in their home. Kill kill kill the chomos, the rapos, the abusers of the weak. I faced a death penalty jury twice. They never gave it to me. Why? Because I killed scum. They knew it. The judge knew it. Even the sorry ass punk prosecutor knew it. That’s why I was blasé throughout my rigged trial. Yeah. The answer is kill the ones who have got it coming. Fuck their childhood, their old grey granny in the front row. Kill em. Let the worms eat their ass. Let God sort them out at the Pearly Gates. That’s his job.

Next president? Why New York Governor Eliot Spitzer of course. Any sorry bastard who can prosecute pimps and whores then go out and buy some $4000 ass in the fanciest hotel in D.C. has got balls. I’d vote for the shithead in a second. Seriously though, it’s got to be Obama. The future of the free world depends on his success. Is he a crook and a bullshitter? Hell yes. Aren’t they all? But he’s the best shithead for the job. It sure ain’t that prick McCain – woe is me, woe is me, I got shot down over Nam dropping nepalm on rice farmers, now I can be president with my charity robbing pill popping wife, I never had a real job in my life, I’ve lived off the taxpayers dole for years, let me lead, let me lead, we’ll never leave Iraq, it’s ours, we won it, we’ll never give it up – fuck him.
How about Hillary? – Let me lead, let me lead. I fucked Bill in the White House. I’m very qualified. I was even in the White House when Monica gave him head and he cigar fucked her. Let me lead. I’m qualified.
Bro, as you can tell, my goiter is throbbing. Those bastard crooks. They’re all crooks. But in my opinion Barack is the least crook. He’s the youngest. Let him get a few years and he’ll be Big Crook Obama, you’ll see.
“Power corrupts. Absolute power corrupts absolutely.” Who said that?

Hey mate, do good and know I’m pulling for ya. But let it be known from the East End to the West End – you’re my horse if you never win a race.

Hey! I miss ya,

Two Tonys

Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below

Copyright © 2007-2008 Shaun P. Attwood


joannie said...

I wish there was a way some of these letter conversations could be video taped for other inmates. I've not heard a more succinct explanation on why drug use is a bad thing. It does get depressing to hear, week after week, what people have lost because of it. Week after week I watch female inmates cry because they have lost their families mainly. And still you know there's a chance they'll be back in after release. Sinful pleasure is only good for a season, and then the bitter harvest is reaped through consequences for a lifetime. Just hold on to what is good (and it seems you are).

JL said...

I have never read a bad piece of advice from Two Tonys, and I've already told you one of his monologues changed my perceptions of life.

Anybody who doesn't listen to Two Tonys is fucked and deserved to be fucked.

Anonymous said...

Absolutely wonderful writing. I look forward to the Two-Tony's book you are going to publish. Pardon my profanity, but this is f**king amazing. -Jose in San Diego

Anonymous said...

Two Tonys really does have a way with words. I like hearing from him.

Avuncular Floyd said...

Two Tonys was all piss and vinegar and wisecracks up until now, a nearly mythical person. It's melancholy to hear about his family and regrets.

Do you suppose Two Tonys would return to crime if he were to leave prison? He's obviously quick. I wonder if our society would be better served by releasing him.

Anonymous said...

good to hear more of two tony,s throbbing goiter!

Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness he's a wonderful writer. Do you edit him at all? He's as succinct and real, open and honest... and heartbreaking... as anyone I've ever read. I hope he writes again soon... I want to know more.

- Mary in NC

Jon said...


Two Tonys' dialogue is some of the strongest I've ever heard. It shows in his writing, which needs no editing. He's a natural.
I wrote his life story in the form of a conversation between me and him, in order to capture his speaking style.

I enjoyed Tolstoy's Kreutzer Sonata, which is mostly a dialogue between a young man and an older murderer, with the latter telling his story.