Shopping in Prison (by the Occult Killer)

Dubbed the Occult Killer by the media, Brandon is serving 6 to 12 years in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania Department of Corrections. His crime: he killed his best friend in a drunk-driving accident. When police investigators discovered Gothic paraphernalia in his bedroom, they naturally concluded Brandon had committed a sacrificial murder for the benefit of Satan.

I’m bored, so I decided to write. I stocked up on commissary items like stationary and hygiene products. The only thing I need to figure out is contact solution. It somehow has to be bought through the infirmary. I bet that’s gonna get complicated. Perhaps if they dropped Neccos and Zagnut bars from the commissary list, they might have room for the solution. I’d love to have a typewriter, also, but: 1. Where would I put it and 2. There’s 1,000,000 weapons you could make out of its parts. All the rules and guidelines of this place, although strict, make sense except for two. At 11pm there is a standing head count. That would seem to make sense, BUT there is a standing head count when we are locked down at 10pm…yeah. The other thing that confuses me: CARNIES! (Austin Powers joke=very lame). No, actually the book thing confuses me (books can only come mailed from a bookseller). I guess they expect people sending hollowed-out Bibles with mini-chisel hammers inside. That would explain why they banned excessively large Marilyn Monroe posters. I’ll have to write TNT and tell them to stop playing The Shawshank Redemption, it is freaking out Sammy Hyder (the warden). Maybe I’ll threaten to dig through the wall with a plastic spoon, not like we actually get them anyway. Dad can explain that one, but in case he forgot: when you’re on psyche watch all you can eat with is a spoon. Now that I’m off it, one of the hardest things to come by is (you guessed it) A FRICKIN’ SPOON! I took the liberty of getting myself some coffee and cocoa. The only reason to get that stuff is to “wheel and deal” it. Everyone loves it. You could make “LCCF Espresso”: 3 coffees, 1 cocoa, 1 sugar. Wait! Something else that confuses me: sugar. You get 4-5 packets at breakfast every day. That’s 28-35 packets a week. Seems fine, except…they sell sugar on the commissary list. What’s worse is they actually keep track of the type of sugar they SELL and the type they GIVE OUT. At 4 cents a packet, why trouble themselves.

Click here to read the Occult Killer’s previous blog.

Click here to read more from the Occult Killer at Prison Mom by Sue O.

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Shaun P. Attwood

3 comments:

syncopated eyeball said...

I like this writing. More please.

leigh said...

it's very good to hear from you again! sorry about the spoon situation, though. what about a spork? those are popular down here.

Diving for Pearls said...

This is so fantastic, how Mr. Killer describes prison. It's as if someone decided to tie up Common Sense and boot it out the Sally Port never to return. The spoon, book, and head count rules say it all.