07 August 05

Apples And Oranges


Some inmates, aware that Long Island’s release date – 10 December 05 - is fast approaching, have asked if I am shopping for a new cellmate. I was surprised when Ogre put himself in the running. Fortunately, I was with Two Tonys when I was approached by Ogre.

“I think we should be cellies when Long Island leaves,” Ogre said.
“You’re kiddin’ right?” I said.
“No. I’m serious. All you do is read and write all day. You don’t smoke. You don’t do dope. You don’t get involved in any drama. You’d be a good celly.”
“You’re too volatile. I need peace and quiet. You snap when you don’t take your meds. I heard about you recently choking Tom and almost throwing him off the upper tier.”
“Are you sayin’ you don’t wanna be my celly?”
“Listen, Ogre," Two Tonys said," this ain’t fuckin happenin’. Datin’ agencies make fortunes matchin’ motherfuckers. I’m lookin’ at his profile 'n’ I’m lookin’ at your profile - no fuckin’ match!”
“Whaddya mean?” Ogre said.
“You’re too fuckin’ crude for him. He’ll be writin’ an’ tryin’ to do his fuckin’ yoga, and you’ll be fartin’ and gigglin’ all fuckin’ day long. You’re gonna hafta fuhgeddaboutit.”
“Whatever,” Ogre said.
“It ain’t gonna work, Ogre. In the mornin’s this guy runs a fuckin’ office in his cell. How’s he gonna do that with you takin’ a shit every forty minutes?”
“I gotta shit when I gotta shit.”
“An’ the last celly you had, all he did was read his fuckin’ dictionary. He made Daniel Webster look like a fuckin’ chump. An’ you almost choked that motherfucker too!” Two Tonys said.
“So who do you think would make a good celly for Ogre?” I said.
“He can live with killers, robbers, psychos – any violent motherfuckers. No chomos or rapos. But really he needs to be by his fuckin’ self.”
Ogre went silent.

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Copyright © 2004-2005 Shaun P. Attwood