16 March 06
Anal Virginity Threats: A Peeping Tom?
(Threat level: mild)
“How come you’ve been showing up so much recently when I’ve been sat on the toilet, George?"
“I think you’re a reverse voyeur,” George said. “You see me coming up the walkway and – wham bam – you drop the royal drawers."
“I think you’ve been getting peeping-Tom jollies at my expense.”
“I think you orchestrate it, Jon.”
“That’s wishful thinking in your warped mind.”
“I don’t think about you in that fashion since you’ve turned out to be a homophobic superhetro. I’ve no inkling at all. If you dropped the royal drawers right now and got a woodie, I’d step back and say ‘Hmm. How interesting. How utterly British’.”
“That sounds like a cover story for your recent voyeurism.”
“I don’t think it’s voyeurism on my fart – oops! – I meant, on my part. I think it’s exhibitionism on yours.”
“You were doing well, George, but the Freudian slip gave you away. Fart slipping out suggests the guilt you are experiencing from peeping at me on the toilet – a position in which I’m likely to release wind."
“That’s not true. You’re an exhibitionist who likes to show off the royal bum. And, speaking of Freud, I believe the problem stems from your Oedipus complex, when you were a young child screaming, ‘Wipe my royal bum, Mum’.”
“Then please explain the increasing frequency of your visits when I’m on the toilet?”
“That’s just chance.”
“Oh, yeah. Explain the gawking then?”
“Well, I’ve never seen anyone quite wipe their butt like you do.”
“It’s odd. There’s a regal air to it. You cock your head back and flap your arm out.”
“George, they are necessary movements for bum wiping.”
"Yes, Jon, but you do it so aristocratically.”
“The fact that you can detail my wiping technique is proof of your crime. Anyone else seeing me on the toilet would quickly turn away, and not ponder how I'm wiping.”
A sinister look came over George's face and his trembling arms reached for my thigh.
I grabbed my pen and quickly stabbed his arm.
Seeing I'd drawn blood, he shrieked and ran out of the cell.
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