06 Sep 07
Xena Influences a Youngster
“I’ve been working out,” Xena said, showing off long legs tattooed with trails of ants.
“Still doing dick-lifts?” I asked.
“I quit those ’cause my prostate hurts. I just need to have my nuts cut off then all my problems will be over with – other than what wheelbarrow to carry my breasts in.”
A member of the American Indian people of northeastern Wisconsin joined Xena, causing Xena to sing,“Menominee doop do de do do, Menominee doop do de do. He’s a cutie pie, like a Menominee doll. That’s just like a China doll except much darker.”
“My sister’s boyfriend,” I said, “almost got shot by the Taliban. I wonder if he questioned his life.”
“I got shot and stabbed and questioned my life,” Xena said.
“What did you ask yourself?”
“Why the fuck am I here? Can anyone see the wet spot between my legs? My God, why does blood smell a lot like shit?”
“Xena,” a passer-by yelled,“don’t forget your hood.”
“What hood?” I asked.
“The Gay Triad Hood,” Xena said. “It’s all over the world. We don’t need a street number. It’s like South Side Posse Bloods – we let everyone join.”
A youngster was brought to Xena.
“Whoowhee,” Xena said. “He new booty!”
“He’s twenty-one. First time in prison. Only got two in.”
Filled with awe, the youngster looked up at Xena.. His face turned red. He tried to speak but no words came out.
With mischief radiating from his face, Xena said,“We’ll turn him out, tear him up, and send him back to the hood – then, maybe, it’ll be his last time inside!”
The youngster’s eyes widened with horror. He looked over his shoulders, and hastened away.
The onlookers laughed.
“Xena, I have to go back to Yard 1,” I said.
“When you dream about me tonight,” Xena said, “just say good things and feed me Hershey’s Chocolate Kisses while I’m layin’ on my bed – a queensize bed of course – and tell the flower boys, ‘Rose petals. Red and purple,’ ’cause the cosmos make me sneeze.”
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Copyright © 2007-2008 Shaun P. Attwood