25 Feb 08

Posh Bird

My ability to keep my agreement with my sister, Karen – that I would remain single for one year after being released from prison in order to take my time to hopefully find the right woman – is diminishing as I seem to be falling for Posh Bird. I gave her flowers for Valentine’s Day, and we spent from 1:30 to 9pm yesterday at the Playhouse watching Tolstoy’s War and Peace. She came for a curry at my parents’ house on Saturday, and I spent time with her parents and brother (who is a policeman) at the weekend.

“Why do the people of our hometown call you Posh Bird?” I asked.
“Because, apparently, I speak with a posh accent in comparison with other people from this town. It came from being in work, really from one particular person, and it just kind of stuck. Then everyone called me Posh Bird. And also, when I’ve moved to a different place of work, someone else will call me posh.”
“So it follows you around?”
“It does.”
“How posh are you?”
“Not very. People who really know me would disagree. I think it’s just my voice. Do you think I speak posh?”
“You don’t speak like a towny.”
“Well, that’s good, isn’t it?”
“Yes. I think you’re down-to-earth, but one of my readers commented that you may be a bit high maintenance.”
“I completely disagree. First of all, I don’t consider myself as being posh.”
“Are you high maintenance?”
“No. I really don’t think Iam.”
“Materialistic?”
“Not at all.”
“How do you feel about dating someone who just got out of prison?”
“What makes it different in your case is I know your mum and dad. If someone ever said to me, ‘Would you go out with someone who’s been in prison?’ I’d probably say no.”
“Why?”
“It’d be too much for me.”
“In what way?”
“I’d think, Why is he in prison? for starters. Also, because I wouldn’t need that kind of complication in my life.”
“Is my incarceration complicating your life?”
“Seriously, I’ve not thought about it completely, but at the moment it doesn’t seem like an issue at all.”
“Could it become an issue in the future?”
“I don’t think the whole prison thing would be an issue, but I don’t know your whole story. Whether that could change things, I don’t know.”
“My story is I threw parties, bought a lot of drugs and wanted everyone to have a good time.”
“And that’s it?”
“It was an Ecstasy conspiracy case. They said I was the ringleader of a criminal organisation.”
“Did you not think about other people’s welfare?”
“At the time, we all thought our welfare was best addressed by doing club drugs. I had more money than common sense, so I paid for everyone to party.”
“How is your brain not mashed completely?”
“Well, I am a little out there, aren’t I?”
“Perhaps.”
“So now you know what I did, will it become an issue?”
“No, not at the moment.”
“Last time I blogged you, Sue commented, ‘Don’t let some girl come into your life and mess up all you’ve done at this point.’”
“I completely agree with Sue. But I’m not about to mess up anything in your life. I’ve got enough of my own stuff to get on with. I’m happy that you are doing what you are doing, and I want you to do well.”
“You are rather career focussed, and that’s something I like about you. Someone commented, ‘So glad to read you are dating someone who is not a psycho.’”
“I’m very minor in the psycho-chick department. But I think you’re turned on by psycho chicks. I don’t think I’m going to live up to your expectations.”
“I’m mellower these days.”
“I’ll take your word for it.”
“Jenny Dreadful commented that I may be vulnerable to the charms of unscrupulous ladies.”
“I think you could be vulnerable, but you come across not as vulnerable.”
“Damn! I’ve been working hard on trying to come across as vulnerable to you.”
“Have you? It’s not working. I would like to add that I’ve not tried to pester you too much in a way because if you do want to see me or whatever, you know where I am.”
“You kind of put me on hold last Monday, and I thought you were politely getting rid of me. What happened?”
“No, I wasn’t getting rid of you at all. I think I did it for your benefit more than anything, because I felt you needed time to think about what you wanted. I just wanted to give you the space to do that, but it didn’t really work out, did it?”
“It did not. I missed the communication.”
“Me too. I felt like I was being a bit stupid telling you that.”
“Putting me on hold?”
“Yes, because I thought we could still go out, and I’d give you the option to think about things at the same time.”
“Prior to you putting me on hold, you said your mum had accused you of taking advantage of me. What was that about?”
“Mum said that basically because, when you first got out of prison, I’m like the first woman who’s shown some interest, and apparently you just responded to that. And I suppose that was my concern as well when we put things on hold.”
“We!”
“I.”
“So you were being sensible then?”
“It’s not just about being sensible. I needed to figure things out for myself as well.”
“What did you figure out?”
“I don’t think my opinion changed at all.”
“Opinion?”
“My opinion was –“
“Was!”
“Is! My opinion is – actually other people’s opinions got me thinking about the prison thing.”
“Oh, so now the truth comes out! Other people were influencing you. And you decided what?”
“What other people said didn’t have much of an impact on how I was feeling anyway.”
“Feeling?”
“I was feeling you were a bit of a distraction.”
“In a good way?”
“Yes.”
“You met Hammy the other week.”
“Yes.”
“Now that he knows you better he says you’re a cracker and a good influence on me; however, his initial reaction to you wasn’t so good: he said you were a bunny boiler and a banana skin.”
“I understand the bunny-boiler stuff – ”
“A potential Fatal Attraction.”
“But what does a banana skin mean?”
“Something I’d slip up on in the future.”
“I was completely shocked when he said about the bunny-boiler stuff. I don’t think I’m that at all.”
“What do you think of Hammy?”
“I think he’s funny. I think he has a sweet side. Maybe his comedy act is trying to cover up his sofness.”
“On a more serious note: what does Posh Bird want from life?”
“Don’t ask me that. That’s my answer.”


My heart is urging me on, but I’m wondering whether things with Posh Bird are developing too fast? I'm also wondering how women feel about dating ex-prisoners?


Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below

Copyright © 2007-2008 Shaun P. Attwood

27 comments:

joannie said...

Ah, my dear friend...if I might comment in the light of getting to know you myself, being a person of the female persuasion. I am glad we had plenty of time to write and share about our lives without the pressure or constraint of anything more even in the framework of a friendship. You continually made me feel as though I needn't doubt you'd be there for me, and that was enough. I was always surprised at growth we achieved as individuals and of the friendship into something I greatly treasure.

Now I write this as much for your benefit as Posh Bird's-that she may know from someone who was supported and aided by your faithful friendship as an inmate-you've a good and genuine heart. And my immediate gut reaction to this relationship was positive, if that means anything at all from someone who wants the best for you (and her as well). But I would say, don't let close proximity rush things. Let it breathe if you can. Even if you continue to date throughout the year, I'm thinking it would be wise to give your career path (s) the room they need. I do think it is important that Posh decide what she wants in life-the more you know, the more you'll fight for it and survive when the chips are down.

As always with the greatest affection and deepest regard...Sue

joannie said...

p.s. Sorry, one more thing...what does Shaun want? Remember not too long ago you felt someone else was the perfect partner.

Jon said...

Things change - suddenly as in this case.

What do I want? To be happy and successful in life.

I don't think I can tell whether or not someone would be the perfect partner unless I lived with that person for a few years. And even then it's hard to judge how someone will change over time.

Anonymous said...

Shaun! You are a genuine person-in all respects. It is so good to know the things you tell us (girls)- it gives me the reason to go on, knowing that there are guys out there like you. It would be impossible for this relationship with Posh Bird not to go fast, it would seem the natural order since it has been so long for you having the personal touch of a women. (Here's the BUT) But, if you can slow down your heart;that is the key. Know that it could just be a stepping stone relationship and take it one day at a time. I may soon be dating someone fresh from prison-well, not true I sort of am already (emotionally-not physically). It is a scary place to be at times when I wonder of all the horrid things you and he have been thru and seen, it makes me worried about the stability of the mind. Then, I remember that you are still the same people you always were and maybe if I just be "normal" and supportive when necessary he will be able to deal with the things that happened and move forward emotionally stable. Does that make sense?? Your situations are not much different, you didn't kill anyone or anything remotely close-basically neither one of you belonged where you ended up, so with that in mind, the prison thing isn't an issue when it comes to certain situations. I am so very proud of you for not keeping being in prison a dirty little secret. That amazingly shows how strong and proud of a person you are and it would be crazy if someone didn't see that immediately! My advice on the relationship is let it go at it's own pace. Don't place any boundries on it. It is hard to not "over think" these things, I know-I KNOW!! It can be done and I have proof. Let go of expectations and let it be what it is. Your heart can be a deceptive thing-hard to know if it is your heart moving you or your mind. Again, my advice, listen to YOUR heart because in the end you only have you to blame things on and trust me when I say: The heart ALWAYS wins!! I found it interesting that you made it a point to say your "heart is urging you on", to me that says no matter what-your going to be just fine!!! Much luck to you, keep talking out loud to us but I think that you already know what your doing. P.S. Posh knows what she wants too, just give her time to show you what she is made of-let her have her defenses, too. ONE DAY AT A YIME!!!!!!

joannie said...

Thanks for the reply. I don't mean to hog the blog...chuckle...I guess I can understand what you're saying, but it seems sad to me that things might again change for someone. Isn't part of it trying to be the right partner as much as finding that?

As to the dating a ex-prisoner part, I think it is something to be mindful of, but forget at the same time-it should not a possible "back door" of blame if things don't work.

Jon said...

Joannie,

After Posh Bird spent her Sunday enjoying/enduring War and Peace, a play so long it had three intermissions, I pledged to watch some chick flicks and a musical with her. Is that what you mean by "trying to be the right partner" or do I still have a lot to learn?

Amor Vincit Omnia said...

To answer your question, I think it depends on the person and their understanding of your situation, what landed you in prison, and what changes you have made to change things. As someone who was once in Jail (admittedly for a significantly lesser time but behind bars is behind bars, whichever way yo look at it) and began dating when I got out, it was tough for some people and surprisingly easy for others. The things we have been and done in the past will unfortunately always affect our future no matter the changes we have made.

I wish you the best.

JL said...

Good God, you think too much. It's probably a carryover from prison. Too much isolation.

Oh, and stop talking so much as well.

poons said...

I'm constantly astonished with how honest you can write about feelings and situations without me the reader cringing.
You are who you are, and you are happy with that. Don't try to change to fit expectations - you've done more than enough of that already.

p.s. Tag - http://howlingspoons.blogspot.com/2008/02/nice-beaver.html

joannie said...

Oh well, one more for the road-absolutely musicals and chick flicks...chuckle! That's good for a start.

Ok, jl's entry reminded me of a movie I think you have to watch together if you haven't already. I think it's the first Tarzan with Johnny Weismuller (sp?)-the scene where Jane is describing British courtship to Tarzan-watch that and you get what I'm talking about.

Anonymous said...

Jon,

As someone else said - don't think, do :)


Alan in Australia

Sue said...

Shaun,

I'm slightly amused and amazed that you posted my comment on your blog.
My life has gone to hell and back in the last 2 months - my husband and I broke up and my dear mum passed away on Thursday, so even thought I didn't do time in prison, things have been kinda fucked up for me the last few weeks.

Posh Bird does sound lovely, but I have to agree with Karen........you just got out of prison and are now back home and trying to assimilate everything.

I remember though that you thought you were falling for Royo Girl. Don't let your heart (or your dick) at this point overtake the more important things that you currently have to do with your life. She does sound like a lovely girl, and fine..date her....but be careful. That's all.

Note to Posh Bird: I'm sorry, you do sound so very lovely and I really don't mean to be offensive towards you. I just want the right thing for Shaun.

Calulu said...

I have to agree with the 'don't think' side of the equation. Love is a gift, a rare one at that, and if you feel like it is a distinct possibility then stop analyzing and open your heart. What have you got to lose?

joannie said...

Hey Sue-sorry about all the painful things happening in your life, but all that doesn't make your wisdom any less on the mark. I agree. Not thinking can really get you into trouble or going strictly from emotion. Sue 2

Jon said...

Some of you are saying don't think just do, others are saying think or else you'll get into trouble. Surely there's a happy medium?

joannie said...

Chuckle-ok, sweetie, here's the word on thinking vs not-what I try (TRY) to do is when I'm really caught up in my emotions is, slow down and ask myself some questions in regard to specific courses of action-what are the possible outcomes (if you sleep with someone, she may get pregnant), am I ready to pay the price (if she does, am I ready to support a family), if other people are involved what will happen to their lives if I do such and such (it may end her career hopes). Just an example, ok? Doesn't make the feelings any less valid nor does it stop action of some sort, but truly loving involves thinking about more than just yourself and your own. That's being a mature adult person.

Anonymous said...

Yes, there is a happy medium. Think about it-just don't over think. When you do, try to redirect yourself. It has to just be, flow-you know? Most importantly: BREATHE! Let it all in, soak it all up, pay attention to the little things. Above all, relax!!!! :)

Anonymous said...

It sounds like you are balancing things well. I have been reading the comments about Posh Bird. I have had a lot of thoughts on that in relation to my situation. The comments make me a little nervous, but my heart is already gone. In regards to you, i am sure that you know what you truly want, and will make your own decision. There is a happy medium Shaun, and it sounds like you have found it, allow yourself the opportunity to find love, but keep your head about you, it is possible!!! I preach, but don't practice. Ha ha!! I have though (kept my head about me) a little. :)

Jenny Dreadful said...

Damnit, Shaun, you forgot the part where I backpedaled and said that I didn't think that Ms. Bird was an unscrupulous lady herself, just that you might be vulnerable to them.

Answer me this: Would you be soul-crushingly heartbroken if Posh Bird said that she’d rather if you didn’t see each other any more? If you’d be okay with that, then I’d say go ahead, and have fun. But you can’t give anyone else the responsibility of making you happy; it isn’t fair. And also, holy crap, son, you just got out of jail. You’ve got a lot of adjusting to do. It’d probably be easier to do all of that adjusting and work on your writing if you weren’t also nursing a broken heart. Just be careful, is all.

Gemma Lee said...

Hey Shaun! When we went out for dinner and you spoke about Posh Bird, your eyes lit up.

Reading about her here, she seems very genuine. If you fall in love you fall in love, it's not the worst thing in the world pal. If you get hurt you get hurt, it's not the worst thing in the world either. Take a chance pal. Speak to you soon x

Jon said...

Jon said...
To Jenny Dreadful,

Posh Bird did put me on hold for two days, and I wasn't soul-crushingly heartbroken, just a little sad. We've not gone out long enough to crush each other's souls yet.

I agree, I am responsible for my own happiness, but happiness comes a lot easier when you have good friends in your life.

Anonymous said...

I have a positive gut feeling about Posh Bird. You're maintaining and keeping up your other responsibilities and friendships. That is REALLY important.

Tony said...

Hahahaha

You Norvern Prat.

Here, an equation for you.

Hard Penis equals Horny

Hard Penis does NOT equal Emotion.

Getit? Gotit? Good.

Slow the flock down Bo Peep.

Anonymous said...

Shaun

You only live once so enjoy it! You have some catching up to do.

Ian

Anonymous said...

Oh, I read about you and 'Posh Bird' and your dilemma over 'listen to your head' vs. 'listen to your heart'. Or rather, listening to everyone argue between them for you.

I'm compelled to send you a quote from the movie 'Meet Joe Black'... obviously, switch the 'him' for 'her' *grins*...

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can't live without. If you don't start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who'll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I'm not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you'll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven't lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven't tried, you haven't lived."

and

"The heart has its reasons that reason knows not of." ~Blaise Pascal~

Hypothetically speaking...
How does one control the strength of love and adjust the emotional gauge accordingly? Do you let a little in at a time and run the risk of shallowness? Do you let it flood in and get swept away in the tide? Do you just let what will be, be? Would you really want to have control over love? And if you did, would it be love?

Maybe there's a way to be sensible in life and crazy in love - maybe the 'right person' is the one who this parallel exists for. Maybe you don't have to choose an 'either/or'. And the truth is, I have no idea, only a theory... which after I hit send, I will kick myself for, for sharing. But for what it's worth...

Lisa B. said...

I think Posh Bird sounds lovely and if things seem to be going well with her, just let them! There is never a right or wrong time to find the right person ... and you can never plan these things because they just don't work that way. I think you will be fine.

Anonymous said...

My mom always told me to follow my heart, so I will pass along the same advice to you! Don't be afraid of what you're feeling - why should there be a time limit on feelings? I think Posh is good for you. She seems like she cares about your well-being and the healing process that you are going through, and that's beneficial to you right now (having truly caring people around). They say that fear is temporary - regret is forever. Don't be afraid of what you're feeling for her. Embrace it! And then make sure you post all the juicy details in your blog! Ha ha.