Shit Slingers V (The Early Years Part 6 by Polish Avenger)
Polish Avenger – A software-engineering undergraduate sentenced to 25 years because his friend was shot dead during a burglary they were committing. In Arizona, if a burglar gets killed, accomplices can get 25-year sentences.
Over the last entries we discussed Magnum and his willingness – nay, eagerness – to go places deep within the forbidden landscape of scatology and self-degradation. Yet even his fellow shit slingers were taken aback and slightly nauseated by his next innovation. In the fecal arms race, he crossed a line somewhere and became a poo kamikaze.
After the great splatterings that occurred as a result of his elaborate plumbing systems (see the last couple of posts), the guards caught on fairly quickly that even with the fellow naked and spread-eagled at the door, his was not a cell to be approached lightly! He would vary the pipe design and location, but ultimately one can only do so much to disguise several feet worth of device that’s equal parts Rube Goldberg and Dante’s Inferno (particularly one lower level featuring a river of boiling poo! Good old Dante…)
The guards began to very carefully inspect the cell front – from a distance, mind you – to ensure there would be no rain of liquid horror.
And they actually thought that would work.
Perhaps with a less determined, less deranged individual they may have reached an uneasy truce.
But this was Magnum. The sine qua non of shit slingers.
So one day after an inspection, they cuffed Magnum and escorted his naked ass to the shower. Once inside, it can be anywhere from 45 minutes to several hours before they come back to collect you. On this occasion though, it was about 45 minutes. Magnum cuffed up with no complaint, the shower door opened…and the guards were introduced to a whole new nightmare level of crazy.
I have to give the guy kudos. Most people in here try to make their time easier. Magnum went balls-out in the opposite direction and single-mindedly stuck to his guns that everyone was going to have a difficult time.
So, locked in a shower stall with nothing more than a little motel-style cake of soap, how would one befoul the guards?
Well, here’s one solution: Magnum proceeded to squeeze a hot log into his cupped hands and cram it into his mouth.
Yes, his mouth.
But wait, it gets better.
He then chewed, swirled, gargled and gnashed it around to get the proper runny consistency.
And then he sat down to wait.
I’m not sure how many of those 45 minutes he sat there, naked, alone, with a mouth full of his own pureed shit sauce.
But when the guards finally came to collect him and the shower door opened, he simply pursed his lips and became a human Dookie Uzi.
Hygiene concerns aside, can you imagine his breath?
From all reports, this act so utterly shocked the guards that they just stood there in frozen amazement as poo-syrup slowly dripped down their face shields. Magnum sensed their momentary loss of composure and launched with savage glee into a flying tackle, trying to do some damage. He really didn’t as wrestling from the handcuffed and naked position is difficult at best. As usual, he was quickly maced, subdued, and led off to yet another holding cell. The real impact was psychological: what do you do with someone willing to go that far?
Wear lots of rubber clothing, apparently!
I got promoted (in name only) not long after, and so didn’t have to mop up Magnum’s holding cells any more. No, from now on I’d be mopping up his messes at the medical area and many other peoples’. And some of the staff members were quite nearly as bad as our Lord of the Shit Slingers.
Click here for Shit Slingers IV.
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