31 October 05

A Suspected Dildo Looter

“If they cut your ass loose in Mall of fuckin’ America what wouldya loot?” Two Tonys asked Ogre and Ogre's large cellmate, Cannonball..
“I’d hit the diamond stores,” Cannonball said.
“Smart,” Two Tonys said. “Lotsa small pricey shit: diamond rings and gold chains. Whaddabout you, Ogre?”
“I’d go where the big money's at: the banks.” Ogre's eyes sought approval from Two Tonys.
“Giddouttahere!" Two Tonys said." How the fuck wouldya get in a locked bank vault, motherfucker?”
“I dunno. I’d figure it out.”
“You couldn’t even break out of your own fuckin’ cell. If they locked you in, you’d die in there. You know nothin' about locks, or robbin’ banks.”
“What should I be lootin’ then?”
“You’d do well lootin’ Los Angeles.”
“Why’s that?”
“'Cause of all of the fuckin' porno stores. If Korean snipers didn’t cap your ass, you’d be cleanin' out the sex stores. I can see you runnin' down Hollywood Boulevard with a backpack full of dildos – big black ones.”
“How come Cannonball gets to be a diamond looter, and I gotta be a fuckin' dildo looter? Whattaya tryin' to say?” Ogre pushed out his chest and put his hands on his hips.
“I'm sayin' you fit the dildo-looter profile. There’s somethin' about you that exudes fuckin' dildo lootin'. Cannonball would be grabbin' diamonds, and you’d be grabbin' big black double dildos.”
Ogre grabbed Two Tonys by the neck.
“Hey, motherfucker, don’t fuck with an old man doin' two fuckin' life sentences. You fuckin' fish number!”
Two Tonys’ face turned red.
Ogre choked Two Tonys for a little longer and then released him. “You fucker. I should have choked you out.”
“If – cough! cough! – you're gonna choke me -cough! – for clownin' you about dildos – cough! cough! – then we’re not fuckin' playin’ anymore - cough! cough! cough!
Ogre apologised.

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Copyright © 2004-2005 Shaun P. Attwood

Jon’s book wishlist – he is allowed used or new books as long as they are sent direct from publishers such as Amazon.

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

one of the best letters until now, you're really getting the hang of this, keep on going...

respect and greetings

bram
belgium

christine said...

Ha ha ha ha......sending this one to my son......he's shared a cell or two with the mafia guys........HA HA HA