05 June 06

Nan

On the phone today, Dad disclosed Nan had died.

It was hard not to cry when I heard that Nan had asked for me on the eve of her death. Suddenly, I felt so sad. I even forgot to wish Mum a happy birthday.

I had no one to share my sadness with, so I stayed in my cell. I pondered how my crimes continued to affect my family, how I couldn't be there for Nan because of the bad decisions that put me in prison, of how I'll never see Nan again.

Goodbye, Nan. Thanks for being there for me when I was growing up. You knew how special our love was. I’ll always miss you, the delicious apple pies you baked, and the games of Scrabble we played for hours on end. It hurts that I didn’t get to see you before you departed. May you, reunited with Granddad Fred, rest in peace. I adored you both.

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood

13 comments:

Tony said...

Shaun, Sorry for you loss mate.

Personally I believe that a body must die, it's nature, but the "us" that inhabits the body is energy and energy doesn't vanish, it just changes form.

We are never gone until no-one remembers our names.

You are not alone. Many people aare suffering the way you are. You just don't know them.

Stay strong.

Tony.

Anonymous said...

Jon, I cried reading this. Your feelings of guilt and frustration over not being able to see your nan obviously caused you great distress, but your love for each other transends all that. Just remember the happy times you spent together and the pleasure she must have experienced helping to bring up her grandson. Those memories will never die. Luv Sandra xxx

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your Nan. Keep your head up and try to stay positive during your stay.
Greg

nefesh said...

I found this blog during a google search.
So sorry for your loss, and for your pain and loneliness.

DrM2B said...

Not sure how I found your blog...but I live here in AZ.....and during the course of my PhD studies I have concentrated on the prison system, prisoner, frisoners familes, and read I cant remember how many reports, books and the like on what you are going thru. I previously thought I would just lurk ...make notes and move on...but this post really touched me. I am sorry for your loss... If you are truly practicing Yoga tho...she is fully aware and waiting.....my Rinpoche (Tibet Buddhist Guru) states that every sentient being may be someone in this or previous lives....so in other words....chin up...and be careful of the next little creature that visits U...it just might be nan coming to say hi!

Anonymous said...

Shaun, Keep your head up mate, and remember the good times

Keep up this great blog

Aussie Brett

Anonymous said...

Shaun,

Sorry to hear about your Nan. Try to focus your attention on the good times you had, and the memories you can take forward and share with others.

To my mind, this is the way our lost friends and family can stay with us, even when they're no longer around physically.

TonyRob

Anonymous said...

DEATH is nothing all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I,and you are you.
What ever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together. Pray, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be the household word that it always was.
Letit be spoken without effect, without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was;
there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.
All is well.

Terry Bates

Abilene - England said...

Can you feel me hug you Shaun? My thoughts and love are flying across the miles to you.

Susano said...

Hi SHaun, my Mum, your Nan, had a good send off and although you weren't there in person we all felt your prescence through the Mass and service. Mike stood in for you as pall bearer and felt he was doing it for both you and his Nan, showing respect and doing and a man's job. Mike was particularly proud that his Nan often confused him with you in her later years. He carried her coffin with your Dad, Neil, and Marty with dignity and respect. Karen spoke in the Church and reminded us of Mum's qualities, sense of humour, her driving skills!!!and the flutter on the nags, all good stuff. Bing Crosby sang "Let me call you Sweetheart" (Fred and Eve's song) and Vera Lynn "We'll meet again" closed the service. Huge hugs Shaun from your family here. Aunt Sue

Pager said...

Shaun,
I worked with and am a good friend of your Aunt Ann. I feel like a part of your family. She always kept me abreast of your situation, visits she had and the many frustrations you and her family had to face. I am so very sorry you have to be where you are instead of with your family. I have no words of comfort I'm sure that can console. Please know I love your family and miss your Aunt Ann so very much. If I can do anything let me know-I'm in AZ.
Casey

Lady Arkles said...

Shaun,
So sorry to hear about your Nan.
Nan's are always special and yours sounds just lovely.

Hugs,
Rach x

Christine said...

Hugs Shaun........Hopefully by now your heart hurts a little less.....

Keep strong........and Keep your memories of Nan safe