12 June 06

Question Time for Two Tonys

Here are Two Tonys responses to some of your comments and questions.

Adele asked if Two Tonys is sorry about the whackings, or has any regrets about his life.

“I’ve got a lotta regrets about my life, but I never whacked a motherfucker that I didn’t feel good about afterwards. For the record: there was no workin’ stiffs amongst those I whacked. None of 'em were on the way to the mill, lunchbox in hand. They were all in –.” Two Tonys pinched his right thumb and forefinger together, raised his hand, and pronounced slowly, “ - de bizznezz. And I didn’t learn that expression from Elmore fuckin’ Leonard. I’m sincere about that. I’m not layin’ on my bunk at nights, tossin’ and turnin’, seein’ this dead motherfuckers face, or worryin’ if he had a wife or a daughter. I’m seein’ the eyes of a motherfucker – and I’m not plagiarizin’ Chicago here – of a motherfucker who had it comin’. So what if I nailed the motherfucker, put slugs in him. I’ve got no remorse for that, 'cause he had it comin’.”

Bill asked how long Two Tonys is in for, if he’ll ever get to whack anybody else, and if Bill could hire him for such services.

“I’m in till 2082. I’m in a real comfortable spot in my life right now. I don’t see any reason to have to whack a motherfucker again. I stay outta the line of fire. I don’t get in other people’s business. There’s a quote I read every day: Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin’ you none. That’s my Ten Commandments right there. That’s my Exodus, Matthew, Mark, Luke and John rolled into one.
No: I will not whack a motherfucker for Bill. The record will show I never whacked anyone for affronts committed to somebody else in my whole fuckin’ life.”

Terry B suggested Two Tonys take up Shakespeare.

“I’ve read Shakespeare. ‘Hark, hark. Who knocks at yonder door.’ ‘Out, out damn spot.’ That was when Macbeth and his wife had just whacked the king, and they were tryin’ to wash the blood outta their clothes and hands. ‘A horse. My kingdom for a horse’ That’s Richard the Third.”

Anonymous pointed out that Two Tonys only used six ‘fucks’ in the blog Books.

“My thesis on the word fuck is: it’s like sayin’ DWI or any other acronym. When the Puritans first came to this country, after leavin’ sunny ol’ England, they had their rules and regulations they established when they got off the fuckin’ Mayflower. One happened to cover fornicating in public. The legal term was For Unlawful Carnal Knowledge. Abbreviated in legal terminology to F-U-C-K, to save them time.
Back then, when they busted a guy from the marketplace behind a bale of beeswax, boffin’ some wench – and I’m only sayin’ wench 'cause that’s the terminology they used in the 1600s. I don’t want the readers thinkin’ I’m a chauvinist pig, 'cause I have respect for real ladies, my mother and sister were real ladies. Anyway, they arrested him and took him to pilgrim court, and explained to the judge it’s for -U-C-K. So I’m not swearin’. Swearin’ is like sayin’ somethin’ like, ‘you punk-ass sonuvabitch’.”

Anonymous pointed out that some of the dialogue in Elmore Leonard’s novel Get Shorty is similar to Two Tonys speech.

“The element I’ve been brought up and raised in didn’t copy Elmore Leonard. It’s the other way round. Elmore Leonard gets his shit from people like me, unless you think Mr.Leonard is a whacker of men.”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood


Anonymous said...

In other places where cockroaches are a problem, people tend to use African-style see-through sleep netting around their bed. Is this not allowed in American prisons?

Anonymous said...

I meant, in my comment re Elmore Leonard, that Leonard takes his influences from the mobsters in his dialogue. That's what makes his writing so authentic.

Anonymous said...

Oh man this is rich. Are you sure you didn't make up these quotes?

Anonymous said...

awesome blog. two Tonys is a star

Anonymous said...

Two Tonys is an interesting character but he is a murderer and he doesn't have much remorse about his killings so I don't think you should make such a hero of him.

Anonymous said...

i think your wrong there. he was probably brought up to a life of crime and violence and knew no better, at least he's honest about it.

Anonymous said...

regardless of where Tony comes from and what he's done........anyone who knows the history of F-U-C-K........is an O-K guy......that was classic....

I have a definition of a 'real lady' but i won't go so far as to possibly offend Tony.....he might just go back into 'de bizznezz'