11 April 07
Every Empire Has its Day in the Sun
“All y’all Limeys,” Slope said, “are one bottle away from France. You tip the bottle and your ass goes up. Who hasn’t occupied France?”
“Good day to you too, Slope,” I said. “And you Bones.”
“Bones loves me today,” Xena said.
“Limey!” Slope said. “We oughta make you wipe your royal ass with a piece of jumpin’ cactus. Even your dogs are fucked up. The British bulldog can’t breath properly and it’s got an underbite. If you Limeys had took baths, you never woulda got the bubonic plague. Your women’s armpits are so hairy they look like they’ve got motherfuckers in headlocks.”
“What’s with all the Brit-bashing?”
“They’re just expressing their love,” Xena said.
“Are you gonna be here for the Fourth of July?” Slope asked.
“’Cause Short Dog’s gotcha more bread and water.”
“Good one,” I said.
An announcement came over the peakers: “If it’s not your cell, don’t be in it!”
“Y’all,” Slope said, “can’t drink no coffee, or do no dry tobacco. It’s all tea and crumpets.”
“Are you gonna back me up, Xena?” I said.
“No,” Xena said. “I’m gonna go play D&D.”
“Great,” I said.
“No big daddy is gonna come save your ass,” Slope said. “We’ll keep kickin’ your butt just like we kicked the goddamn Limeys’ butts at Bunker Hill.”
“I thought the Brits won the Battle of Bunker Hill?”
“Bowlshit. A buncha old sodbusters put it on the Englishes' asses, causin’ your Limey cousins to evacuate Boston.”
“I see, and what are sodbusters?”
“Hillbilly farmboy motherfuckers,” Slope said. “I think we should tat the Declaration of Independence on your back and send you on back home. That way we can read it while we tag-team your ass. What’s that I hear? The redcoats are comin’! They didn’t even get to come. They just got chased out. They got their manhood pulled out of their assholes. The weak-kneed fuckin’ fairies.”
“What about the UK pulling some troops out of Iraq?” I said.
“Tony Blair’s a yella-belly. The only thang he’s capable of colonisin’ is France - in order to take over that fine French tradition.”
“Givin’ the keys to the city away to anyone who shows up with a gun.”
“You wouldn’t say that if Napoleon was here.”
“He wasn’t French. He was Corsican.”
“He gave you guys a deal on the western part of the Mississippi Valley though, with the Louisiana Purchase.”
“And if he’d of stayed at home, he wouldn’t have lost all his soil.”
“Every empire has its day in the sun, and yours is being destroyed from within,” I said.
“You’re a goddam pond-skipper, but I couldn’t agree with you more.”
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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood