18 April 07

Xena V Bones (2)

“Is Bones an undercover Cult Of Xena member?” I asked Xena.
“Look,” Bones said, flipping me off. “You’ve got two of these fingers. Why dontcha shove 'em up your ass, and walk on your elbows.”
“The main reason I can’t do that,” I said, “is because I don’t have an ass. I have an arse.”
“When it comes to COX membership, “Xena said, “the closest thing Bones gets to COX recognition is when he rubs Jell-O all over himself and dances naked in front of his mirror, which is too small for him to see his penis in – not that a bigger mirror would help him in that department. Then he gets all sad 'cause he used to boogie on down like that for his squirrel, and his old hairy celly.”
Bones was speechless.
Slope said to Bones, “Red’s consortin’ with the enemy.” Because I was sat with Red at the picnic table by Yard 4.
Red grabbed my Bic rendering me unable to document the dialogue.
“Throw his tea in the river, Red,” Slope said. “Those fuckin’ Limeys have been manipulatin’ our politics for years. The only war they didn’t drag us into was Korea.”
“Xena,” I said. “How does Bones feel about all of this?”
“Bones is sad,” Xena said, “’cause he doesn’t have a squirrel except for the one between his legs.”
“Don’t shoot one across the bows. Shoot him in the bowels,” Slope said to Red, and left with Bones.
“How’s Slingblade?” I asked Xena.
“Slingblade’s latest,” Xena said, “is he walked up to a CO with his chow tray, and his arms started shakin’ as if he were gonna bash the guy’s head in with his tray, and the CO freaked out, and nearly called an IMS 'cause he thought Slingblade was gonna kill him.”
“I heard Frankie got busted with dope and sent to SMU?” (Supermax.)
“Yeah,” Xena said. “He got busted while doin’ a UA with dope in his boxers. At the strip search, he couldn’t remember which one was the sack – the one between his legs or the dope sack – so he pulled 'em both out, and lo and behold he got in trouble for both of 'em.”
“I heard Ogre got moved to maximum for having too many tickets?”
“Yeah. His membership in COX ran out, so they rolled him up.”
“Rec’s almost over, I have to go now,” I said.
“Do you know how to keep your dog from humpin’ on your leg?”
“No.”
“You pick him up and suck his dick.”
“Gross! Do you have any final words of wisdom for COX members?”
“Yes. This: to open your mind you must stop thinkin’ like an American.”

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood

2 comments:

joannie said...

Well, only a subject of HRH truly can claim an R between his A and S and be a royal pain. Keep givin' em hell of the bloody sort, little cousin! We salute you.

Don said...

More Xena! The world needs to hear her wisdom!