21 Mar 08

Hammy (Part 2)

Hammy - Best friend I grew up with in my hometown. Fond of alcohol, especially Stella Artois.

“First off, what do you think of all the comments that came in on Hammy (Part 1)?” I said.
“I’m quite surprised by the nature of some of the comments,” Hammy said (after drinking not much for him: ten pints of beer and a bottle of red wine), “but it’s just like water off a duck’s back to me, and some of it’s quite amusing. I honestly think it’s a culture difference. I can understand their concerns, but I think most of these people need to have a drink – there’s something uptight about them. And if they won’t have a drink, I’ll have one for them. Everyone’s saying I’m an alcoholic when I class myself as a bit of a binge drinker and that’s it – along with half the population of England and Northern Europe.”
“One person commented: hammy is a dick head. He will end up a sad old man pissing in his pants, if he doesn't already.”
“Although peeing in the pants hasn’t happened in years, it has happened on a few occasions in the past, and I’ve woke up with a map of Australia underneath my arse and a rainbow above the bedroom. Most people get a pot of gold at the end of their rainbow. I get a pot of piss. One time when me and a mate were inventing a new cocktail, we basically pissed the bed five nights in a row – the bed, the couch, the floor, etcetera. The cocktail took a week to perfect. I’ll hold my hands up to one of my mates pants-pissing occasions because when he took the knock I placed one of his hands in a glass of lukewarm water, which makes you piss your pants.” With the pirate voice coming in a bit, Hammy said, “Arrr, the perils of a pisspot. It was funny watching him do the walk of shame home the next morning with a tidemark of piss around his thighs.”
“What was this new cocktail you invented?”
“We were too drunk to remember any of the ingredients. We were sat there like mad pissheads in one house for a week. We did put a patent on it at the time, and NASA were interested in it for their latest rocket system.”
“One commenter invited you for a drink in Shetland.”
“To the guy in Shetland: thanks for the invitation. I may take you up on it some day, but wasn’t The Wicker Man filmed near there? If you can fix it for Brigitte Bardot in her prime to be getting bulbed in a pub nearby, I’ll be up there in a heartbeat. And whatever you guys do with them Shetland ponies is your business and none of mine.”
“It’s common knowledge in the Ring O’ Bells that you’re going to be stepping your drinking up this summer?”
“I just recently got my ticket into Spain, where we’re off on a stag do. The numbers are up 250 people who are all poets and pisspots. I’m actually flying out earlier, four days earlier, with three others – two cousins and a mate – to go into training, get acclimatized, and get match fit for the big occasion.”
“Which involves what?”
“It involves an English fry up for breakfast. We’re setting the clock for 5:30 in the morning. We’ll have bacon, sausage, eggs, tomatoes, mushrooms, fried bread, baked beans, and a glass of vodka and lime. We’ll sit near the pool till midday drinking mainly beers. Because only mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun, it’s down to the bar in the local village for more beers and, er, sangria, and local cocktails. We’ll go into the city of Valencia in the early evening, and see where that takes us, drinking whatevers on offer. We normally end up by finishing the night with me pouring everyone one of my invented cocktails, and everyone who tries it suddenly develops a face like a cow sucking piss off a thistle.”
“What about going to bed?”
“I don’t know. We just collapse around the pool and stuff, and wake up with ants trying to crawl into our mouths.”
“And this is just the warm up for the stag do?”
“Yes. On the last day of the warm up, we refrain from all alcoholic drinks, and, er, maybe we have one or two beers, but that’s it, because we’re off for a hike up the mountains and into this village. The next day – day one of the stag do – we get a train down the Spanish coast to meet up in the town with the 250 pisspots and let the frivolity commence.”
“We don’t know until we’re there. Mainly drinking, singing, and sex, hopefully.”
“Possibly. It’s not a priority.Maybe the occasional tapas. After the four days of drinking with our Bacchus brethren, it’s back up to Valencia where we’re either going to chill out or we’re contemplating getting a ferry over to Ibiza where the club season’s just starting, and we’ll take it from there.”

Hammy called the next day, the pirate voice in full swing.
“Arrr, arrr. I threw a kebab at a Turkish man’s head.”
“It was his fault. I was just talking to some lad about football, and the Turk called me scum – or at least I thought he did.”
“How much have you drunk?”
“Arrr. No fucking clue. Arrr. The last thing I just drank was a bottle of Bailey’s Irish Cream I was saving to pour on birds’ nipples. I’ve been drinking all night. Vodka. I may of dozed off. I went through one bottle of that Absolut vodka shite.”
“What else?”
“There’s two empty bottles of red wine near where I’m sitting. I’m off to get some more now. Like you’ve got the taste for blood, I’ve got the taste for wine.”
“You must have drank some beer?”
“I don’t know. I was at yours at six, then I went to the Ring O’ Bells, where I averaged four pints every forty-five minutes.”
“So you haven’t had any deep sleep?”
“I hope so. I don’t know. Arrr, I’m off to the pub. No, I’ll make a tit of myself. I’ll drink indoors. I’ve been thinking.”
“Thinking what?”
“Not much actually. I can’t listen to my music on my DVD. I’m absolutely gutted. Arrr, I made up a song in the middle of the night and guess what?”
“I forgot it. One sniff of the barmaid's apron and I'm doomed.”

And it’s not even the holiday weekend yet. What do you think of Hammy classifying himself as “a bit of a binge drinker?” He's also recommending I get out and drink more as a necessary part of my return and readjustment to English society.

Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below

Copyright © 2007-2008 Shaun P. Attwood


Anonymous said...

hammy is in denial and should be shot

JL said...

Does this guy work, or what?

Anonymous said...

I think Hammy's funny, and can understand why you like to hang out with him, especially considering your long history. But, for his liver's sake, I do hope that he's exaggerating his intake in these wild tales! Jon, you don't need to drink more....Hammy just wants company on the "highway to hell" :-). You stick to your guns and do what you want to do. It's hard to type properly when soused.

Jon said...


Hammy does work, but due to sickness he's had this week off.

Anonymous said...

Have to disagree jon, hammy does indeed have a job but whether he works or not is a different question altogether! can usually be found sat down telling tales of his frivolity some of which do seem to be exaggerated(even if very funny) but then some people didnt believe the one about his best mate being a stockbroker who made millions and ended up in americas toughest prisons where he became infamous for starting a blog and then a writer after release, he really couldnt make it up. you have some stories to tell between the pair of you, sad to hear about hammys sickness hope the lad is ok needs to lay off the drink while unwell.

Rach said...

He kind of reminds me a bit of my bf, only my bf is 46 now and can't cain it like he used to. It's taken about 6 years for him to realise that! He was still bragging about how he could drink as much as he liked with no real bad effect even quite recently. Of course he never remembers turning up at people's houses and passing out (goes down well at a dinner party) or sitting in some prominent position, sleeping while standing up and pulling strange faces. Photographic evidence doesn't seem to have helped much (No matter how out of it he is, he will always wake up and look normal if i point a camera at him). The thing that seems to have gotten through to him now is gout.

~:*:*:Pixie:*:*:~ said...

Shaun, what do YOU think of Hammy classifying himself as a "bit of a binge drinker"?

What are your personal concerns relative to your own behaviors (potentially) when you are with Hammy? Do you feel like you might relapse to the point of "no control"? I don't see alcohol being your drug of choice (based on what I've gleaned from your Journal, here).

I remember being released from re-hab into the hands of "users"... the very same people who supported me and loved me the most were the the people I had partied with for years. Somehow, I rose above and stayed clean.

"They" say it can't happen but it can... and I wonder what your feelings are about your own recovery when living day to day with people who have not / will not choose recovery,

All that aside, Hammy lives and lets live. No sign so far that his "self-destructive" behaviors are harming anyone (unless that has been omitted for literary purposes).

Personally - I think quantities are exaggerated assuming he is of average height and weight. Just sayin'...

Blessings Hammy.
Blessings Shaun.

Anonymous said...

We all try to defend what we like to do, especially if other people find it distasteful. But, no warning signs or comments will change our behavior. WE need to hit the bottom first. And then hopefully, we can emerge a new person. Like you did, like I did, and like many others did. Good luck Hammy.

Anonymous said...

lol at the pirate hammy, im coming down the ring o bells sunday to watch the match it will be a full house i hope you can make it

Alex D said...

Christ, this guy sounds like he has a legendary constitution! To be able to maintain this type of drinking regimen and still hold down employment, habitation, etc. sounds like an interesting story. It'd be an interesting post to hear about the in-between portions of Hammy's life.

I would worry about my health and sanity being such a party animal, but hey, to each their own. I'm sure he has a grand time between hangovers and when all is said and done, he'll have had an interesting life with few regrets.

No one has the perfect formula for how to live life, it's always a balance between hedonism and temperance, but he sounds like he's had a life full of thrills. The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

Anonymous said...

thought pirates had a bird that rules hammy out lol

Anonymous said...

Haha, you're welcome up here on the Auld Rock anytime mate. Although your voracious appetite for booze seems outrageous to most of the southerners that read this blog, it's just common practise up here. Infact, im sure you would be welcomed with open arms (as long as you buy the first round). If you think you can handle 7am boozing and have a thirst for Tennents, then i promise i will introduce you to some authentic pirates at Captain Flints in Lerwick. All the best Hammy, keep it up!!

Cityboy said...


One of your best quotes ever was.... "she can chew an apple through a tennis racket"

You see with Hammy it's all or nothing really. If there is no beer to drink, let it be wine, no wine then its fine for moonshine. Only problem is the fox bummer catching you up Pex Hill, although the badgers look mighty worried these days.
Hey, Pixie - Do you sell that majic dust or what ?

Remember the wolf's howel.. its can only mean on thing. The fuckers run out of drink !

Anonymous said...

Those alcohol amounts are believable only if you have been or seen a true alcoholic before. No doubt that these amounts are at alcoholic levels and are very possible. (Readers: Don't think that you can drink that much from not being a drinker at all though. It is possible that you would get into very deep sh** if you did.) If he regularly drinks these amounts there is no question that anyone would consider him an alcoholic. It would be unwise for anyone to pursue a course that would allow them to drink that much if they don't already drink at a high level.

Noz said...

Sounds like a proper geezer TBH.