28 May 08

From Two Tonys (Letter 6)

Two Tonys - A whacker of men and Mafia associate serving multiple life sentences for murders and violent crimes. Claims all his victims "had it coming."



I had to sit down and vent on this Kennedy motherfucker with the tumor on his brain. He’s got all these sorry bastards crying in their borscht. Poor Ted. Poor ol’ Teddy. I love him so much. He’s such a good guy. He fights for the poor and downtrodden. Poor Teddy Boy. He’s a real fighter.

Well he didn’t fight too hard for that little campaign worker who got all goo-goo eyed over the chance to bang and do the nasty not only with a U.S. senator but a Kennedy senator, and you don’t get much bigger banging than that. The great man drove her off a fucking bridge on Martha’s Vineyard and left her kicking and clawing at the windshield as the water rushed in while he swam off for a hot congnac and dry towel on the mainland. He didn’t even call the cops or call for help till his advisors told him he had to.

My point is all these sick phony bastard politicos do great things for the great unwashed until the shit flies their way then it’s every bloke for himself. Fuck what’s right and wrong. It’s survival of the fittest.

Now that karma has put a goiter on his potato head and all these politicos are giving him kudos, not one will stand up and mention poor old Mary Jo Kopechne. Not even her family, who let ol’ Ted Boy there off.

No, bro, I don’t wish cancer on anyone. But he ain’t Mr. Wonderful. He’s got warts and faults like all of us, but not according to CNN, NBC, CBS, ABC, and probably the BBC. Now I can’t call what I would do in that situation. I like to think I would have helped the kid or at least called for a frogman or something, and not worried about my career.

Now you think there were crocodile tears and the tearing of clothes for Ray Charles or Jerry Ford or Johnny Lennon, then wait till this glutton of an Irish drunk passes onto the other side. We’ll have Kennedy for breakfast, lunch and dinner. CNN, wa-wa-wa poor Teddy. The great unwashed will roll in the streets. They’ll write songs and the chomo Catholic priests will break out their best cloaks and burn their best incense to background music of Danny Boy.

Now be honest, are you going to be all heartbroken and sad when this motherfucker croaks, or do you know anyone who will? Fuck no! Only if the CNN cameras are zeroed in on them.

Hey! It’s not personal but Two Tonys says, Fuck it! My biggest concern is what’s on the telly and what’s for chow. Teddy Kennedy never did a fucking thing for Two Tonys. Why should I wa-wa-wa. Hey, do I sound bitter? I hope not. I like people. I’m a people person.

Later, bro

Two Tonys

ps) Hey, I got your blog. It was T.N.T.. Your skills never cease to amaze me. Just don’t get your jockey shorts in a knot for one of these damsels. Or is it boxers? I’m a boxer guy myself, this way my balls can breath. But it’s all a matter of preference. Ain’t it?

Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below

Copyright © 2007-2008 Shaun P. Attwood


Noelle said...

Two Tony's-I was having a no good, rotten day and then ... I read your blog. Thanks for the smiles!! :) Even weirder-those are pretty dang close to my thoughts on the whole Teddy Kennedy unbalanced frenzy-seriously enough Bull Sh*T!!!! I quite watching the news for a while because of it all. You sure got the karma thing right though-it bites ya in the a$$ does it not??! Have a good day.

Anonymous said...

Please thank Two Tonys on my behalf for his thoughtful reply in an earlier post as to how he would behave if released.

I'd love to hear more anecdotes from the business if he feels so inclined, perhaps something about a notable sociopath or an outlandish situation he witnessed.

My favorites thus far are the killer who slammed on his brakes so as not to harm a small animal in the road and the tale of how he and another fellow were trying to whack each other, the time when he left the car door ajar so the light would stay on.

-Avuncular Floyd

Anonymous said...

Isn't it about time for Two Tonys to get his own regular column on some newspaper?

I mean think about it, an old mafia hitman with the acerbic wit of a pro columnist, writing about today's issuers from the state pen! You can't get better than that. It'll be the political equivalent of Fake Steve Jobs.

Come on Shawn, be his literary agent! You both might make a buck or two off it! This stuff truly is hilarious!!

Anonymous said...

I really believe this Two Tonys character is real, but, man. Did he just walk out of Donnie Brasco or what? Half of me really wants to believe he is the product of the blog author's very witty imagination. If he is - Shaun's pretty fucking funny and should make some cash with this writing gig. If Two Tonys is the real deal - he's pretty fucking funny and should make some cash with this writing gig.