22 Sep 08

Weird Al At Large

Weird Al - The most unlikely bank robber you are ever likely to meet. His true story of suicide by cop gives new meaning to the power of unchecked depression. His cutting wit would make a stoic monk giggle.

I called Weird Al at his apartment in Tucson where he is on parole.

“Greetings from your favourite Limey!” I said.
“I’ve got a joke I’ve been waiting to tell you,” Weird Al said.
“What is it?”
“What’s bald, lives in a garage – with an en suite bathroom of course – and worships me like a God?”
“That’s a tricky one, Al.”
“Yes, it’s you, the bloke!”
“Life in the garage is going pretty well actually. I haven’t had any urges to commit more crimes. How about you? Planning your next bank robbery?”
“I haven’t had any big urges to commit more crimes – short of killing maybe an Englishman. You’d better look out, I’m in the process of getting a new passport.”
“What did you do on your first day of freedom?”
“Watched the football and ate ice cream.”
“What flavour ice cream?”
“Moose Tracks.”
“Vanilla with chunks of chocolate. Then I spent my first night sleeping on an air mattress in this apartment.”
“So how does freedom feel?”
“Well, it’s overrated. For example, every time I go to a restaurant or grocery store, everyone wants money from me.”
“At least your not on the dole. Are you going to get back into real estate investment?”
“It’s probably a good time to buy. All those fools who paid five-hundred thousand and their homes are worth three-hundred thousand are sucking the hind tit now.”
“Yes, I advised my aunt to sell short, and she made a killing last week.”
“You’ll have to show me how to sell short. I am a vulture.”
"We started out shorting Bank of America."
"That's my bank, you bastard!"
"The one you robbed?"
"Er...yes. Didn't they make short selling illegal?"
"Just bank stocks, so for my aunt, I'm shorting foreign telecoms into this suckers' rally. Are you still doing Siddha yoga and becoming more enlightened?”
“Yes, I just went to the local ashram. I’m more enlightened than ever. I was enlightened enough to come home today and eat Moose Tracks and watch a film. I also went to the library and read about what’s been going on with your blog.”
“What do you think of the Arizona Department of Corrections blocking inmates from writing to me?”
“They’ve gone way too far. But I don’t think it’s come from the top. I think it’s some asshole at Tucson prison that’s taken it upon himself to rewrite the United States Constitution. The funny thing is Dora Schriro [the prison director] prides herself on preparing inmates to be released into a country founded on free speech. Censorship policy may well prepare you for life in a Communist country, but not here. Dora Schriro should take time out – she teaches constitutional law at Arizona State University – to actually read the Bill Of Rights and Constitution herself. What exactly are they afraid of by stopping your mail? Obviously not the huge amounts of readily-available heroin in the prison. Obviously not the large number of Arizona prisoners dying due to a lack of competent medical care. Why don’t they correct these problems as opposed to censoring you away. The fact is DOC doesn’t do anything competently. Try as they might, Arizona prisoners will still do this despite anything they do. You know how inventive they are. I can think of at least a hundred ways around this. Since DOC is trying to ban you from the airwaves, may I suggest you reinvent yourself?”
“As what?”
“Bertie Wooster aka Hugh Laurie comes to mind. I’ll play the role of the all-knowing Jeeves aka Stephen Fry and we can use nice British sayings like ‘Toodle-pip!’ I also like the name Gussie Fink-Nottle.”
“Very good, bloke.”
“I’ve also discovered another new saying.”
“What is it?”
“Boner shrinker.”
“Oh dear. Have you used it yet?”
“No, but I’m working on it.”
“A final question: have you noticed any major changes in the world since you’ve been inside?”
“Yes! Young women everywhere are all wearing tongue piercings. I have had it confirmed by reliable unimpeachable sources as to why they are doing this, and I’ve taken it upon myself to personally thank each one of them for caring. I’m thinking of founding a non-profit organisation to help low-income girls get tongue piercings.”
“Good idea, bloke. Toodle-oo for now!”
“Yes. Toodle-pip, blokester!”

Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below

Shaun P. Attwood


Jon said...


In response to your enquiry:

Ogre was transferred to the California prison system to serve time for other offences.

I've written to Slingblade and some prisoners who are aware of his situation, asking them to figure out what help he needs in facilitating his release, so I can post the details to Jon's Jail Journal and get a campaign going to help him. So far I've received no replies, and with the mail ban it's looking bleak.

I have tracked down one of the first prisoners I blogged about: Duke. He is free and I hope to blog an update on his life soon.

Shaun Attwood

Anonymous said...

ch5 tonight 10pm - americas toughest prisons - tent city

Sue O. (aka Joannie, SS) said...

Just a thought-if the mail ban is here to stay, perhaps widen the circle a bit? Have you thought about talking to other extradited inmates or people outside of the original blog characters?

Oh, just wondering, Weird Al-where did you get the mouse tracks ice cream? Good luck on the new endeavors, toodle-pip and tongue piercing included. LOl!

Anonymous said...

My guess is Weird Al was eating Moose Tracks, not Mouse Tracks.

Anonymous said...



hello, shaun;
if you want to re-open communications with your friends, you will have to stir up the media pot closer to arizona than the bbc. check out the sites above, who may prove to be of some help to you. you can check out their creds on wikipedia.org. the aclu could be helpful, as some of your earlier posters indicated, but they have their hands full with many more urgent concerns.

do NOT write to aim.org, which is a right-wing version of the above sites.

i have one other handy hint to give you, but will send by email.

good luck,

Sue O. (aka Joannie, SS) said...

Chuckle-I know...couldn't resist...

Anonymous said...

Great post on Wierd Al Shaun, thank you.

As we all know, but the geniuses at ADC fail to recognize is, there are numerous ways to circumvent the issue at hand. There are numerous inmates who are to be released, and they can relay info, as well as an infinite number of blog sites that can crop up over night. Shut this one down? No problem. In less than 12 hours another will be there, and so on and so on.

Plus, didn't those f**kheads get the memo that you are across the pond now??!!! They can NEVER get you in ADC again! You can die peacefully knowing so, and they can't. :)

Sheriff Joe, your lame ass attempts to censor Jon are nothing but minor inconveniences homeboy. Technology will always enable those who were once limited in communication to reach a far broader audience than ever imagined. And to tell you the truth, your own schematics very well will actually be BENEFICIAL to the cause. Another words, and no pun intended, you just shot yourself in the foot 'sharf. :)

Thanks for the reply Jon. take care. -Jose in San Diego (can't touch me Joe!)

Anonymous said...

"Dora Schriro should take time out – she teaches constitutional law at Arizona State University – to actually read the Bill Of Rights and Constitution herself. What exactly are they afraid of by stopping your mail? Obviously not the huge amounts of readily-available heroin in the prison." ISN'T THAT THE TRUTH!!!

She needs to take an additional time out for this as well...

The Politics of
Criminal Justice
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
6:00 P.M.
Burton Barr Library
1221 North Central Avenue, Phoenix

As concerned citizens for a fair and just criminal justice system, we are holding a public forum to educate, to discuss reform, and to curb the growth of new prisons in Arizona. Poorly written legislation, and harsh mandatory minimum sentencing laws must be changed and brought into the 21st Century. All to often, County Attorney's prosecutors obtain convictions at all costs for media attention and career gain, rather than seeking fairness and the truth. Oversight is needed for the County Attorney's office. The massive amount of convictions puts all at risk and creates a system that is unfair and unjust, contributing to the destruction thousands of Arizona's families and children, resulting in incarceration and a broken society. Arizona's Prison budget is approaching $1,000,000,000.

The alarming growth of the mass industrial prison complex in Arizona, and across the nation is a serious issue that should be discussed during the election campaigns, but the candidates have chosen to ignore it, and have swept it under the rug. The prison growth impacts everyone and our society's future. In the U.S., "One in 100 Adults are in Prison: #1 Jailer in the world", a shameful statistic for a "free" country. The light needs to shine brightly on the dark side of Arizona - their criminal justice system. Inhumanity and cruelty, abuse of power are all unacceptable. Who profits from all this? The Prisons and Jails are long overdue for oversight, transparency and accountability.

Robert Bartels, ASU Law Professor

Sandra Day O'Connor Law School
Arizona Justice Project, Innocence projects, Wrongful Convictions Cases
Travis Pratt, ASU Associate Professor, School of Criminology
Author "Addicted to Incarceration: Corrrections Policy and
the Politics of Misinformation in the United States
Marie Sullivan, CEO, Arizona Women's Education & Employment
"Crime is Expensive", women inmates: re-entering workforce; and their children
Sponsored by the UUC Prison Reform Committee
Arizona Citizens Oversight Coalition for Prisons and Jails
(Q&A will follow after the last speaker, then small round table discussions with the speakers)
Information: 623.583.5473

I know I will!