02 August 06
Two Tonys Responds to One Tony and Native Lou
Two Tonys and I were discussing the reaction to the blog Two Tonys Philosophizes.
“We were accused of whiny-arsed, left-wing claptrap straight from the factory," I said. "For the record: I think that most politicians, left and right, are liars, and should be replaced by yoga-practicing women.”
“First of all,” Two Tonys began, “whodafucks this One Tony think he is throwin’ out words like arsed and tosspot? Arsed is spelt assed, and if this motherfucker ever ends up as my celly, I’ll show him tosspot. He’ll be washing my boxers, and I’ll be Mr. Tosspot to him. He’d better pray that he don’t get caught doin’ nothin’ wrong. Who is this One Tony guy any fuckin’ way?”
“He’s a Brit. A Cockney living in Phoenix. His family own the George & Dragon pub. He’s actually a cool bloke, and he can give as good as he gets, so I don’t think he’ll be too phased by anything you throw at him.”
“If he’s such a fuckin’ patriot how come he isn’t with the British SAS or paratroopers in Basra shakin’ down Muslims on the way to the mosque, tearin’ off burqhas and burnooses lookin’ for AK-47s? Why isn’t One Tony defendin’ the Empire that the sun never sets on? Whoops. That was last century. Or was it two centuries ago? Why isn’t he chargin’ with Tony Blair’s light brigade? He’s probably kickin’ back in Phoenix while the British boys are holdin’ back the Muslim tide from invadin’ Cockneyland. He sounds like the type of Brit who has pictures of Tony Blair, Dubya, and Rush Limbaugh strategically placed around his home. Not to mention a portrait of Rummy Rumsfeld on the wall above his British loo. He’s probably the kinda guy who’d go on a campin’ trip with John Ashcroft and Donald Rumsfeld, and want to clean their latrine and .44s. So One Tony works in a pub does he?”
“I’m wonderin’ what pictures he has on the dart boards. Lemme guess: Hilary Rodham Clinton.”
“So how do you feel about Native Lou’s comment?”
“He wasn’t real vicious.”
“He said some positive stuff as well as calling us lefties.”
“If Native Lou wants some facts why doesn’t he just jump in his pickup truck with the AMERICA LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT sticker on the bumper and ride to the nearest Veterans Affairs hospital and check out the no-nuts section. There’s the true facts. Does this guy really think we are fighting for free speech in the Middle East? If he thinks Iraqis and Kuwaitis are enjoyin’ free speech he should talk to the sheikhs of the government of Saad al-Abdallah al-Salim Al Sabah who, during Operation Desert Storm, were hunkered in the bunkers of London by which I mean eatin’ tea and crumpets at the Ritz Hotel. Ask the sheikh what freedom of speech he allows his poor camel herders. Just like the Iraqis they have never had and probably never will have freedom of speech unless they check in with General Casey or Premier Maliki first, who are puppets for the US who probably call Rummy Rumsfeld to get top secret clearance to take a crap. Maybe Native Lou should check a few facts himself. I’m sure his nuts weren’t lost to an IED."
“You do have some good points about freedom of speech. And it’s clear that oil is a big factor in the equation. At the end of World War 2, Churchill claimed that peace would be held for fifty years, and that the next world war would be over natural resources. The UK and the US rely heavily on foreign resource extraction. It’s that policy that has generated such high standards of living in the West. And I appreciate our standards of living. But we have so much now. People in poorer countries should be benefiting from their own resources. They’re worried about food and survival, whereas our minds are on iPods and what Paris Hilton is up to. When the USSR invaded Germany they wondered why the wealthy Germans had ever wanted to occupy their poor country. It’s the greed that we’re seeing signs of in Big Oil and Big Defence that leads to much bigger problems for everybody when war escalates.”
“And Bush is pushin’ us that way in the name of oil. I hope Native Lou pities the poor eighteen- year olds who have left their nuts on Saddam Hussein Boulevard, duped to fight in the names of Iraqi free speech and democracy.”