24 Jul 06

Do I have a Haemorrhoid? (Part 1)

While wiping with one-ply, I felt something that set off the voices in my mind: Oh no. What's that? It can't be. A lump? Not a lump. It's definitely a lump. Your run of having a flawless south side is over. What type of lump could it be? A haemorrhoid? A cyst? Cancer? Please not cancer. Is it really there? Touch it again. Gross. The nurse, Odd Job, is going to have fun with this. I can't report it. But you must get it seen to before it gets out of hand. True. It might get bigger if you don't have it seen. But they might want to look at it, and do things to it. Ewww. Face facts, sooner or later someone would be taking a good look down there anyway. Don't be controlled by the lump. Take control of the lump. How? Get a mirror and take a look. It might just be something you can pop.

I had to wait for the count to do an inspection as I didn't want passers-by catching me in a naked yoga position, or to receive a major disciplinary ticket for violation B10: Engaging in any sexual act, including indecent exposure and sexual advances or stalking another person.

Officer Lewalski looked through my window, and ticked my name on her clipboard. As she continued down the run, I sprang into action. Where the toilet met the wall, I placed a sock. On the sock, I slanted a mirror. Using an extension cord, I positioned my reading lamp on the floor, so it would shine upward.
I took a few deep breaths, and thought, It's now or never. Look down the run to make sure no guards are approaching. Ok, all clear. Here goes.
Topless, I lowered myself into a half-squat position above the toilet. With my ears on alert for walkie-talkies, I yanked my pants and boxers down. I was about to part my cheeks when a wasp flew into the cell. The mud dauber buzzed and swooped and had me doing the Macarena so quickly there was no time to pull up my pants. As a defensive measure I grabbed a book. The wasp zigged and I swung. The wasp zagged and I dipped and prayed that the security camera aimed a Building D wasn't filming my performance. The seconds we spent failing to resolve our differences stretched into an eternity, during which the reading lamp soothingly warmed my behind. The wasp radiated perseverance, so I dropped to the floor and pulled up my pants. It then briefly established a holding pattern in the center of the cell before flying out of the window.
It took several minutes of yogic breathing to manifest the courage to resume the inspection. Lights. Mirror. Action. I almost fainted when I saw a blue lump in a place it didn't belong.
There was no holding back the voices in my mind: Gross. What is that? It’s nothing pimple-like you can squeeze. Pop that and you’ll bleed to death. Is that what a haemorrhoid looks like? You've definitely got to go to Medical now. You'd better get rid of it before it gets bigger. But how? Will they lance it? Or freeze it? Ouch, that's got to hurt. Get it seen to before it multiplies. There could be more lurking deeper inside. And what if they can't do anything about it? No one will ever want to marry me while I've got such a grotesque thing on my behind. And I can't blame them. Would I marry someone who had such a lump? What have I done to deserve this? How do I describe it to the nurse? You’ll be the laughing stock of the Health Unit. Don't be a wuss. Man up. Fill out a Health Needs Request form.

Draft 1: When wiping my behind, I noticed a lump. Upon visual inspection, I saw a blue protrusion on the rim of my anus.
Anus sounds too obscene, I thought. I've got to mellow this out a little. Wiping is superfluous. Try again.

Draft 2: Requesting haemorrhoid cream. I have discerned a lump.
Too brief. How do you know it's a haemorrhoid? But if you sound unsure they're going to want to look, and we know what that means: out come the probing instruments. Add more detail.

Draft 3: There is a blue pea-sized lump that I suspect is a haemorrhoid. Requesting cream or whatever will make it go away.
There you go. That sounds better. Far more professional. None of that anus talk. Let's hope they don't think I'm joking, or even worse: that I'm one of those prisoners who gets jollies from coming out of his cell every once in a while to show his behind to somebody - to anybody. Surely they'll know I'd never pull a stunt like that. I'm an ex-stockbroker. I'm a professional. Everything's going to be just fine.


Tony said...


Gravity taking it's toll on your veiny arse mate, nothing to worry about.


Anonymous said...

Man, you made me laugh out loud!!! I almost cried rolling on the floor. However, I can tell it's not probably THAT funny for you, though you've told about this problem in such an amuzing and light manner. I wish you:
2)fast recovery... (Probably you'd better ask Doctor what it is...?)
P.S."Lights. Action" and the thoughts "how would I get married with this" were the funniest for me. Does hemorrhoid play any role in this matter?:)))Very funny indeed.
Stay healthy,

Anonymous said...

This post hits close to home. I am a freak when it comes to my body/health. I always feel inclined to run to the doctor whenever I am sick or find something wrong on me. While I don't always go because my rational side keeps me home, I will obsess for a few days.

I don't even know what I'd do if I was in your situation. If I couldn't just up and go see a doc, or call one. I would go batshit! I would be like Jack Nocholson with my face stuck out saying I NEED A DOCTOR instead of Here's Johnny!

It also hits home because I do have a hemm. And I worry about any future suiters and what they would think of it. Would it lessen their opinion of me? Make me appear 'icky' in their eyes? I could blame it on child birth, but truth be told I had it long before, although asymptomatic. But now I'm the proud owner of anal steroid suppositories as well as medicated wipes to help soothe and comfort. Every time I have to use these lovely items, I worry what will happen should I ever get a date again.

I hope it's just something else and not a true hemmy. Although, if it is a hemmy you could get it taken care of yes? And then not have to worry about it. There are a number of ways to 'remove' them. I'm just a wuss myself.

Good Luck with this. I hope part 2 doesn't find you with Mr Gropey doctor and Ms. Piss nurse giving you slack for this. keep your head up Shaun!

M2 said...

I did a search about this and this is what came up. I hope it helps ease your mind a tad. We are thinking of you.

QUESTION: I have discovered a small lump right on the opening of my anus. It is about the size of a pea and looks almost blue or black in colour. It feels exactly the same as a pea - solid behind the skin covering it.

I am extremely worried as I don’t know what it is. It is very sore, especially when passing stools. My mum died of cancer of the colon 5 years ago and had all kinds of problems with rectal and stomach illnesses. Do you know what it could be?


Yes, I am sure I know what this is from your excellent description, and it is nothing to do with cancer and not serious. I am sorry to hear about your mum. I can understand why you are worrying.

What you describe is a perianal haematoma, or external pile. Despite this name, it is not actually a pile at all, but is really like a blood blister such as you get on your thumb if you trap it or hit it with a hammer.

What causes a blood blister in this situation is that when the bowels are opened the anus stretches, and sometimes a tiny blood vessel will rupture and cause a leak of blood just under the skin. It raises a pea-sized swelling right on the margin of the opening of the anus. It is very tender at first, because the skin is stretched over it in this very sensitive region, and when it is further stretched by passing a stool, it is even worse.

Most of these haematomas do not need any treatment. I expect that by the time you read this, yours is already getting more comfortable. In time it will become pain free, and then it will slowly start to shrink in size, but it may be a few weeks before it disappears altogether.

When they are very large they can be excruciatingly painful and sometimes it is better to carry out a small procedure to let the blood out to relieve the pain. I am sure this will not be necessary in your case.

One other thing to mention is that sometimes as it is getting better, the thin skin over the blood blister bursts, and some very dark coloured bits of blood may be seen. If this happens, don't worry. Just keep the area scrupulously clean and it will soon stop bleeding and heal up.

There is one more thing I am going to mention, although you have not asked about it. You are only 20, so I guess your mum was only relatively young when she had bowel cancer. I am not trying to make you worried here, but I feel I should mention, if you do not know this already, that some forms of colon cancer can be hereditary. This does NOT mean that you are going to get it, but the chances may be a little higher for you than the rest of the population. If your doctor has not mentioned this to you, then there may be nothing to worry about, but I think you should ask your mum’s doctor about what sort of colon cancer she had, and remember in future that if you get bowel symptoms like diarrhoea alternating with constipation, bleeding from the rectum, passing mucus, or weight loss, you should always mention this family history to the doctors.

Please don't let this cause you undue anxiety, but I thought I should just mention it.

Yours sincerely

Dr Keith Barnard, GP"

Danielle said...

This was a hillarious entry!!! I have to tell you that I laughed out loud and it felt good. You are a strong man to have gone through so many years in maricopa county. God was definately with you. God bless you and May the remainder of your years be filled with peace and joy.

Julia said...

This article was very funny.
I'm sorry to bother you with this, but I have exactly the same problem, and I was wondering if you could help. Like you, I am embarassed to go to the doctor but the pain and uncomfort of this lump is killing me.
Thanks in advance.