09 August

A Xena Day

“Can you describe a typical Xena day?” I asked Xena.
“When I wake up, I think about my dreams. I feed bread to the pigeons and go coo-coo. I make coffee, and don’t go to breakfast. Usually, I go to work on the farm crew, mowin’ and weedin’ grass, sweepin’ sidewalks, washin’ bird doo-doo off sidewalks, and pickin’ and shovelin’ – it’s ass-bustin’ hard work for four to nine hours. But I get to kick back and watch the birds and the bees, it’s invigoratin’. And passers-by all yell ‘Xena!’ and I never get a moments peace.
When I get home, I take off my boots outside, and get my clothes, soap and shampoo and stuff, and go take a shower. After showerin’, I put on deodorant, and cover my entire body with lotion, and usually I wait for my hair to dry before I comb it out.
At chow, I make fun of people, and they make fun of me, while my celly, Savage, looks at me thinkin’, Oh God, why me? Why this again?
At nightime rec I DM.”
“What’s DM?”
“I am a Dungeon Master in Dungeons and Dragons. I’m obsessed with D&D. My NPCs (Non Player Characters) rip heads off, rip guts out, flay Player Characters one piece of skin at a time while keepin’ them alive, inject veins with fire….
Sometimes I bug you and Frankie when you’re tryin’ to play a serious game of chess. I run around the yard sayin’ and doin’ crazy things, and watch people’s reactions, includin’ showin’ them my wasp - the tattoo on my penis.”
“Why did you get a wasp tattooed on your penis?”
“’Cause I don’t use it, so I figured I’d decorate it.”
“What do you do at night after lockdown?”
“Eat and talk with Savage. Read D&D books. I usually go bed between midnight and two in the mornin’”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

What kind of prison DnD crew does Xena host to? Do they get pissed off when she has her NPCs destroy their characters at her whim?