11 August 06

Two Tonys On Drugs

“I’m thinking about asking the shrink for advice about staying away from drugs when I get out,” I told Two Tonys.
“Whaddya wanna know about drugs?” Two Tonys said, “I’ve done 'em, sold 'em, and killed for 'em – in a roundabout way, drug debts and shit like that.”
“I’m going to ask for some general advice. Dr. O seems really intelligent.”
“How the fuck's he gonna tell ya to stay the fuck away from drugs? What does he know? Has he ever been hooked on drugs? Ask him that next time you see him. Does he know the thrill of drivin’ down the highway after you’ve just blown a motherfucker's jaw off, high on speed, your mind's trippin’ 45 million milligatts per minute and you’re listenin’ to Pink Floyd’s 'Another Brick In The Wall' thinkin’ you just made the most intelligent decision in yer life 'cause you’re so fuckin’ smart on drugs. You’re fuckin high. You’re fuckin’ John Wayne, Gary Cooper, Arnie and Sylvester Stallone all rolled into one.”
“I see what you’re saying: the shrink’s an academic. But he seems to know his stuff.”
“All he can tell ya is there’s nerve-endin’s in yer head like a little clit that twitches when ya do drugs and makes ya think, Man, I’m havin’ a great time. How can I get more of this stuff 'cause I really like this feelin’. I’m so smart. I’m so handsome. I’m so tough. They’re all looking’ at me in this nightclub sayin’, man, who’s that guy?”
“So what advice do you have for me?”
“Don’t fuckin’ do it. Not only don’t do it, don’t hang around with people who are doin’ it or else you’ll end up doin’ it. I don’t care how fine a woman who wants to do drugs with you is, you’ve gotta understand that all your values and the decision-makin’ processes you’ve acquired along the road of life that parents, aunts, uncles, schoolteachers have taught you – right from wrong, good from bad, smart from stuu-pid – you’re gonna throw out the fuckin’ window on drugs.”
“Doing drugs was fun for me but look where I ended up.”
“Oh man, I remember bein’ in those discothèques back in the day with a bad-ass three-piece Armani suit on, gold chains around my neck, packin’ a five-shot Smith & Wesson .38, my Rolex, my pinkie rings, as high as Ike Turner on coke, and that’s a motherfucker who grew a moustache just so he could catch the coke rocks fallin’ outta his fuckin’ nose. I knew everybody in the place was lookin’ at me thinkin’, Man oh man, boy is he cool. And the reason I knew that is 'cause the drugs told me so.
It started out recreationally for me. It turned into a dependency. Lemmetellyasomethin’ - 'cause you’re gettin’ out soon - I guarantee you that you’ll be right back in here if you go poppin’ that Ecstasy or tootin’ that Special K or sippin’ that GHB. That is if you live long enough, if someone doesn’t kill you, if you don’t OD. Like I’ve told ya before there’s a BD, a DD, and an AD. Before drugs, during drugs, and after drugs. The most horrendous and costly decisions I ever made in my life happened during drugs. People lost their lives. I lost my decision-makin’ processes. How the fuck can a guy like me go from livin’ in a five-level house in a beautiful subdivision in Anchorage, Alaska, drivin’ a gold Cadillac Eldorado and a silver Jaguar, with people around me who cared about me, end up on the back of a Greyhound bus at a food stop watchin’ people eat their fuckin’ hamburgers 'cause I haven’t got any money in my pocket?”
“So you don’t think some people do a little bit of drugs and function fine?”
“Not if you’re weak. It could be alcohol. It could be marijuana. One leads to others. Supposedly Cary Grant took plenty of acid after he was 60. That’s OK if you’re Cary Grant, and you’ve gotta manager and motherfuckers who can protect you from your fucked-up decision-makin' processes. But if you’re just out there climbin' the ladder, don’t do it.”
“What about drug-addicted celebrities?”
“They’re a bunch of fuck-ups too. Look at Whitney Houston or Kurt Cobain. What possessed him to climb up to his loft and blow his brains out when he had the number one band in the world?”
“And Robert Downey Junior. He crashed and burned. He ran into a cliff. And then there’s motherfuckers who turn into monsters. Look at Charlie Manson with the broads on LSD, drivin’ around L.A. puttin’ turkey forks in peoples bellies, cuttin’ pregnant women open to look at their foetuses and then gigglin’ while they did it. They weren’t insane. Those chicks were from Iowa and Nebraska. Their daddies were grocery-store managers and shit like that. How did Charles Manson control them? With drugs. They’re bad man. Back in the '70s – when coke was chic – they lied to us. They told us we couldn’t get addicted. Cocaine wasn’t like that scumbag heroin that made you wanna lie around all day, pukin’, and scratchin’ your ass and balls. They were wrong.”
“So what’s your advice for me when I get out?”
“Listen, Jon. I like you. You’re a nice guy. The cards turned on you and you wound up in this motherfucker. Not because you’re bad or evil but because you made bad decisions due to takin’ drugs. Get outta here and just don’t take 'em anymore. Stay the fuck away from 'em. It’s that fuckin’ simple. You can spend all the money in the world on shrinks, drug counsellors, and thirty-grand-a-month rehab centres, but, the bottom line is just like Nancy Reagan said, you’ve just gotta fuckin’ say no!”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood


Anonymous said...

I'm so glad you made this an entry in your blog Shaun. Two Tony's deserves kudos as well. Please give them to him.
My life has been affected by drugs and alcohol and what comes with them. My father has been addicted since before I was born, and still is to this day. I lost my best friend to an overdose when I was 18 years old. And I'm the one who found him in his place. I grew up in a place where shootings, robberies, etc were common place, even right outside my front door. My brother has been 'involved' with then on and off for many years. My first real relationship ended when I found out he was a coke head, then he began selling my posessions for drug money and stalking me at work. My cousin drinks to make his pain go away.
I could go on and on. But Two Tony's hit hit on the head. You just have to avoid it at ALL costs. If you lose friendships, so be it. If you must change your address, so be it. If you must change employment, so be it. If you must distance yourself from family members, so be it. You must do all you can to avoid it. And I do. I know first hand how it can totally ruin your life. It changes you.
Kudos to you both. I hope someone benefits from this entry. (I did just in the sense that it's a reminder to me as to why I stay away at all costs) And I wish you all the best when you do get out. Temptation and peer pressure are a bitch to handle. I hope you have the will power to resist and make smart decisions just as Two Tony's said. You need a support structure. Your parents sound wonderful, and I hope they will be there for you when you need it, and when you don't. God Bless You!

Anonymous said...

Forgot to say, you should still ask the shrink what he has to contribute. You never know, he may have some advice that you can use. One doesn't have to be an addict to help. He could have life experience like I do.

Anonymous said...

One of the best entries ever. Hands down, it reminded me of how I am fortunate to not be on drugs anymore. I have been "slipping" lately and that reality check was better than any program and/or class or therapy session. Way ta' fucken go! No joke. Thank you. -Jose in San Diego

Tony said...


Who'da thunk, Two Tonys and I agree on something.

Clean and sober 5.5 years and all I can say is think that first drink, line, or tab through to it's logical conclusion.

Alright, I run a pub, so I'm around alcohol at work, but my off time is spent with people who either don't do drugs anymore or have never done them.

My other "friends", the ones I used with, either they understand and we still talk. Or they don't, and we don't.

Simple really when you think about it.


Anonymous said...

This is going to be a tricky one for you, I imagine, Shaun. Especially in the UK which is rife with club drugs, cocaine acceptable, and binge drinking a way of life.

As a former six figure stockbroker who made a mint, quit, went to art school and enjoyed an extended but ultimately retarded adolescence in my early 30s (nothing like an addict with unlimited funds), I do relate. I cut contact with six friends, who I still miss, and the scene, to escape.

Six years on, I can tell you it is still tough. The routine and comfort of everyday life can get boring. Noone who has lived their life on a 1-10 scale can know what 60 is like, and how hard it is to resist, even if artifical. The funny thing is, I can still only be grateful I knew that. I am a moth that managed to skirt the edge, though...

I would recommend the usual boring things: support (professional or family/friends, some positive substitutes (exercise, adrenaline sports, whatever floats the boat) and above all NEVER line up contacts or put yourself in temptation's way. You need to self-osctracize. And don't kid yourself it will be easy. Actually most of the time it will, but there will be moments. Don't get compacent.

I imagine a downside like you have endured will be useful there. I have always really enjoyed your blog and also thought "there but for the grace of god.." I wish you GL.

cheers, bodhi

Anonymous said...

Shaun, draw on your experience in prison, also the experience of Two Tony's, this is straight from the horse's mouth. Take in the previous writers' experiences. When you come out of prison and return to civvy street, it will be tough for you, but you have shown resilience and in time the experience will make you strong. Drugs will be a downhill step, destroying all what you have achieved. You have shown courage and determination, let it carry on. Best wishes.
Terry B

David Vogel said...

Hi Jon, this is the second time you've mentioned in recent posts that you are due out soon... but I haven't read any posts in which you said when you are leaving prison?

When will you get out, and will you continue to write? I have read your blog for years, commented only once before but I feel quite attached to you and I think it will be at least as interesting to read about what happens to you after you get out, how you will cope, what England will be like for you after all these years (Blair is finally leaving...) and how the outside world will treat you. Please update us! Cheers mate and take it easy.

Anonymous said...

an amazing blog, thanks Jon and thanks Two Tonys

Barbara B said...

This is an excellent blog, with a sincere message for all. Two Tonys makes his point so powerfully because he admits to what he has been and done in the past, and with hindsight he see's the error of his ways. He's an intelligent man and I think that in another life he could have been something very different. It is very brave of him to speak out and try to prevent you and anyone who reads the blog from taking drugs. He obviously cares about you Jon and wants you to have a good life. Follow his advice,don't take drugs don't hang out with drug users, think of your family and all they have been through. With their help you can do or be whatever you want. I know you can make it.

joannie said...

Everyone else said it great, Two Tony's said it best. I'm involved in a Christian ministry now called Celebrate Recovery, that helps people with "hurts, hang-ups and habits". I could fill pages of stories I've heard and people I've met whose lives are totally, completely changed by living clean and living for God, as unPC as that sounds.

For so many of them, life is busier now and more fulfilling serving other people like themselves, or family members like me who have been directly affected by an alcoholic. The wisest human in the world said he tried everything there was to try, and since he had thousands of wives, I believe it!-he said, there is nothing new under the sun-it's all vanity. So that's living for yourself. You wind up empty, dead, in prison, alone...is that worth the "high" of being totally selfish? (Sue from PA)