10 August 2006
Do I have a Haemorrhoid? (Part 2)
It took a week to receive a Master Pass for the Health Unit. Walking to medical I envisioned Odd Job caressing a spatula, a glass rod, and a Jaws of Life.
Don't be silly, I thought. Odd Job will just take a gander and say it's a harmless something that’ll quickly go away, like a canker sore.
"Good morning," I said.
"Howdahellaryadoin'?" Odd Job said. "It's bin a freakin' while."
"Yes. A few months, I believe."
"So dats how ya freakin' do it izzit? You come up with a new complaint every few months to get a free trip to see me?"
"Er ... no." I blushed.
"And don't think for one second that I don't have my bullshit detector on."
Oh no. She does think I'm one of those guys who gets off on showing his behind to staff. Quick. Think. Say something.
"It's ... er ... nothing like that."
She looked at the Health Needs Request form I had submitted, occasionally stopping to scrutinize my reactions. "Hmmm," Odd Job said. "If dats what you think it is then lemmetellyasomethin': I can only identify big ones. The doc's gonna hafta look at it. I'll schedule ya for a full examination next week. In the meantime wouldja like to try the cream?"
Phew. No examination today. I'm off the hook with Odd Job, but what does full examination entail? Please no probing instruments.
I suddenly became aware that everyone there was listening to me and Odd Job.
"Will the cream make it go away?" I whispered.
"No. It'll only reduce the swellin' if it is what you think it is. But it might not be what you think it is?"
Odd Job's euphemisms were stirring up the eavesdroppers. I prayed she wouldn't say, "If it is what you think it is," ever again.
Instead, she said, "Does it itch?"
"Er ... not much. Not... er ... really."
"Which one: not much or not really?"
"I haven't noticed it doing that. How can I make it go away?"
"If it is what you think it is - "
Oh no, here we go again.
" - those things don't ever go away."
"Ever. It's a protrusion of veins. All ya can do is reduce the swellin'. You don't want big ones cause they itch and bleed."
Worrying about what the onlookers were thinking made it hard to concentrate.
It’ll never go away. Is she saying I'll be carrying this thing around for the rest of my life? That's got to be nonsense. If Magic Johnson can beat AIDS, surely I can beat this. Unless. What if it's cancer?
"Could it be cancer?"
"I've never heard of those things you think it is becomin' cancerous. But until the doctor sees it we can't be sure it is what you think it is. So I'll go ahead and schedule you for next week."