10 August 2006

Do I have a Haemorrhoid? (Part 2)

It took a week to receive a Master Pass for the Health Unit. Walking to medical I envisioned Odd Job caressing a spatula, a glass rod, and a Jaws of Life.
Don't be silly, I thought. Odd Job will just take a gander and say it's a harmless something that’ll quickly go away, like a canker sore.
"Good morning," I said.
"Howdahellaryadoin'?" Odd Job said. "It's bin a freakin' while."
"Yes. A few months, I believe."
"So dats how ya freakin' do it izzit? You come up with a new complaint every few months to get a free trip to see me?"
"Er ... no." I blushed.
"And don't think for one second that I don't have my bullshit detector on."
Oh no. She does think I'm one of those guys who gets off on showing his behind to staff. Quick. Think. Say something.
"It's ... er ... nothing like that."
She looked at the Health Needs Request form I had submitted, occasionally stopping to scrutinize my reactions. "Hmmm," Odd Job said. "If dats what you think it is then lemmetellyasomethin': I can only identify big ones. The doc's gonna hafta look at it. I'll schedule ya for a full examination next week. In the meantime wouldja like to try the cream?"
Phew. No examination today. I'm off the hook with Odd Job, but what does full examination entail? Please no probing instruments.
I suddenly became aware that everyone there was listening to me and Odd Job.
"Will the cream make it go away?" I whispered.
"No. It'll only reduce the swellin' if it is what you think it is. But it might not be what you think it is?"
Odd Job's euphemisms were stirring up the eavesdroppers. I prayed she wouldn't say, "If it is what you think it is," ever again.
Instead, she said, "Does it itch?"
"Er ... not much. Not... er ... really."
"Which one: not much or not really?"
"I haven't noticed it doing that. How can I make it go away?"
"If it is what you think it is - "
Oh no, here we go again.
" - those things don't ever go away."
"Ever. It's a protrusion of veins. All ya can do is reduce the swellin'. You don't want big ones cause they itch and bleed."
Worrying about what the onlookers were thinking made it hard to concentrate.
It’ll never go away. Is she saying I'll be carrying this thing around for the rest of my life? That's got to be nonsense. If Magic Johnson can beat AIDS, surely I can beat this. Unless. What if it's cancer?
"Could it be cancer?"
"I've never heard of those things you think it is becomin' cancerous. But until the doctor sees it we can't be sure it is what you think it is. So I'll go ahead and schedule you for next week."


Anonymous said...

I was worried about ya. Lucky, (pun intended) for us women, we have to have regular exams where our booty is in full view. I would always wait until those apointments to ask to have mine checked. Especially after child birth, which exacerbated mine. I'm seriously considering having some type of 'procedure' to have mine taken care of. I don't want to worry about it the rest of my life. The pain and itching can be quite bothersome.
I wonder what kind of healthcare is offered to you. Could you ask to have it removed or shrunken down with some kind of procedure? I wonder if anyone there will even explain to you the options you can choose from. I had to look it up on the internet.
While it's a natural thing, and shouldn't be shameful, I feel your shame as well. I hope, if it is your wish, that you can get it taken care of while in there. I've heard of people getting better health care on the inside then most on the outside. I hope that's true in your case.
Can't wait to hear how it went with the doctor. I'll be thinking of you Shaun.
Your way with words in describing such things is truly priceless. Always makes me smile when reading about something so personal. Cheers!

Anonymous said...

Shaun, I also have a "what you think it is" type problem.
Just one of life's minor annoyances. It will come and go, and make the next burrito delivery a little less joyfull, but really not that big a deal.

Good luck!

Anonymous said...


Consider it a minor blockade against bum bandits.

A minor defense from derriere desecration.

A deterrent from gluteal gluttony.