30 July 07

Question Time: Murder

Jayne wrote: Two Tonys is a cool guy, but he has killed people. I’d like to ask him a serious question. Does he think he would be a danger to society if he were released? And does he think people who commit murder should be put in prison for life without parole, no matter what the circumstances of the murder were?

“First of all”, Two Tonys said, “yeah I’ve killed people, and once again, I’m revisitin’ this: I didn’t kill anybody that didn’t have it comin’. If I get a job at the circus and a motherfucker tells me all I’ve gotta do is put my head in a lion’s mouth three times a day for $200 a time and then one day the lion chomps on my head and takes out an eye, an ear and half my fuckin’ jaw and nose, and I get outta the hospital after they’ve stitched my face back together, I can’t blame the lion. Howdafuck am I gonna blame the lion? I’m getting’ paid for it. I’m reapin’ the benefits of puttin’ my head in the lion’s mouth. It’s the same in de bizz-nezz of crime. There are certain recourses open to a person who has been faulted in the criminal world. He can’t take his case to those corpses at the Supreme Court. In certain criminal organisations such as the Cosa Nostra or biker gangs there are hierarchies and you can plead your case, but nine times outta ten you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do and be able to live with the consequences. If any of you blog readers are thinkin’ any of my victims may have been the next Bill Gates, or mighta had a cure for cancer, or mighta been the first man to walk on Mars, no, lets be real. They were motherfuckers who mighta blown someone’s face off durin’ an armed robbery or sold dope to schoolchildren.
I probably would be a danger to society if I were released, but maybe I wouldn’t be if I had a one-bedroomed apartment, with some staples to eat, some soup to warm up for lunch, and a good plasma TV. But what would I be missin’ if I had all of that? The adrenalin. Does adrenalin count for anythin’? Yes it does. With all due respect to people of the world: crime can be fun even when it’s not profitable.
Do I think people should get life without parole no matter what the circumstances of the murder were? Of course not. There are people who need killin’ in this fuckin’ world, such as some chomo at a kids playground lustin’ on a six-year-old girl. Then there’s some poor bloke – I’m using bloke outta respect for the British Empire – who leaves a New Year’s Eve party after havin’ too many glasses of Mumms or Piper Heidsek, runs over some other poor bloke, and next thing he’s in the county jail. He made a mistake, but there’s no malice, no forethought. If I crack Jon in the head with my clock, and try and strangle him with my stinger cable, and he jumps up with his pen and stabs me in the ear and I die of a cerebral haemorrhage, Jon wouldn’t deserve life in prison. That’s self-defence.
I’ve gotta be honest with ya: I shouldn’t be allowed outta this motherfucker. Prison was built for me. I accept that and live with it. I’m doin’ it every day, and tryin’ to have fun playin’ a little chess, watchin’ TV shows like Big Brother, and makin’ myself a nice roast-beef supper with a bag of iced-down Coca-Cola, and havin’ a good conversation with my Brit friend.
But there are people who don’t deserve to be in prison. That’s what happens when you don’t consider the circumstances of the murder.”

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