29 June 07

The 4th July Plot Thickens

Will they serve me a dead pigeon? Or maybe a toad? I thought on my way to see Slope after being tipped off by sources close to the kitchen that Slope had called in favours from Yard 1’s diet cooks.
“I’m onto you, Slope,” I said.
“Menu change, dawg,” Slope said. “Believe that. No tax dollars from no American workin’ man oughta be feedin’ your Limey ass on the glorious Fourth.”
“Don’t make me bribe the diet cooks.”
“Bribery comes in two forms: you have bribery and the power of persuasion.” Slope shook his fist. “If the motherfuckers don’t give you what you’ve got comin’, they’re, by God, treasonous sonsovbitches, and deserve a tall tree with a short rope. That would be domestic terrorism. The only thing bribery might get you is a coupla boogers on the dead pigeon, you frickin’ Limey pond-skippin’ Queen’s-sock-eatin’ motherfucker. Even though you’ve moved to Yard 1, the Yard 4 octopus still reaches.”
“You can bribe,” Bones said, “if you want to get some butter on your stale bread – but that’s all! And you oughta save the butter as you might need it to make your cornhole feel better later in the day.”
“It’s like that is it?” I said.
“Like that!” they both replied.
“I just wish I could be there,” Slope said. “I’d immediately get to slingin’ vulgarities about the queen across the chow hall.”

How do I outsmart Slope? Bear in mind he and the kitchen workers go back a long way.

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood


joannie said...

Appeal to a cook's vanity, although someone who prepares prison chow may not be moved. Is squab even too low for them? Used to be a delicacy in these parts! The saying here goes, "what'er you skinning a squirrel on the couch fer when we got a perfectly good coffee table..."

Tony said...


Anonymous said...

Its already past, but you could get some tea from stores and just drink it all day. Don't even step up for your tray.