19 October 05


Two Tonys and I were chatting in the chow hall when we were joined by the scariest looking inmate on Yard 4. To picture Repo, imagine the bald-headed villain in the movie, The Hills Have Eyes, only with the addition of flames and skulls tatooed on his head. He is dangerous by virtue of size – 6 feet 7 and built like Big Bad John. He is a practitioner of aikido. Before this imprisonment, he was a debt collector. He was arrested in a hotel car park attempting to collect a forty-thousand-dollar drug debt, after a terrified hotel guest dialled 911 and reported seeing, “A big man, getting out of a big truck with a big gun.” His debt collection partner was a
twelve-gauge shotgun.

“Did you see the ambulance outside of Buildin’ 2 last night? Some guy blew his asshole out while takin’ a shit,” Repo said.
“I hope my slurpin' my fuckin' chicken noodle soup doesn’t interfere with your discussion about assholes and takin' fuckin' shits. I’m tryin’ to fuckin' eat. Do you mind?” Two Tonys said.
“What’s wrong with talkin’ about shits and assholes?”
“It’s not just that. It seems like every time I sit down to eat my fuckin’ chow, you come around, and the conversation goes straight to shits and assholes and nasty stuff that’s unappetizing to me. We don’t have to talk about splittin' the fuckin’ atom here but we could at least have a normal fuckin’conversation,” Two Tonys said.
“You’ve been down plenee years. You’ve heard worse than shits and assholes.”
“Yeah. And I was in the navy for fuckin’ years keepin’ the Red Chinese from snatchin’ your fuckin’ ass.”
“That’s before my time. If you’d fought on the Ho Chi Minh Trail, you’d get my respects.”
“I was in fuckin’ Blood Alley, in Formosa. If Chairman Mao had of had his way, you’d be speakin’ Chinese and eatin’ noodles with chopsticks, motherfucker.”
“I like Chinese food.”
“You would, you bizarre lookin’ motherfucker. When you get out, I’m gonna send you to the Coast for lunch with Francis Ford Coppola. But when you talk to him, don’t mention people takin’ shits and blowin’ their assholes out, and you might get a bit part in one of his movies as a fuckin’ monster.”
“I can’t go to California. I’ve done too many repetitive dangerous crimes there.”

Repo flexed his neck muscles – enlargening several skull tatoos – and departed.

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Copyright © 2004-2005 Shaun P. Attwood

Jon’s book wishlist – he is allowed used or new books as long as they are sent direct from publishers such as Amazon.


Shrike said...

Since I nor Google have no idea what it is an "Okido practitioner" actually practices, I'm thinking this is a serious typo and is supposed to be Aikido.

Which by the way, would possibly compliment yoga rather well, being that it is a martial art centered on NOT hurting the opponend and avoiding confrontation.
If Jon has a possibility to learn it from someone properly, that is.

Anonymous said...

Interesting stuff as usual. Two Tony's sounds like the stuff of The Soprano's - a gangsta wry enough to know there's more to life than death.

Anonymous said...

How is it that so many inmates manage to get extremely large and muscular, even when denied access to barbells/dumbbells etc?

Makes me downright jealous, with my flabby butt. Do you have any bodyweight calisthenic routines from your fellow prisoners that you wouldn't mind sharing? Stuff like what exercises, how many sets and reps, what days, etc?

Shelling0ut said...

Steven Segal is an Aikido master, watch him on YouTube Russia. Untouchable