2 December

Literature and Schlongs

The evening meal was spaghetti. I gave mine to Weird Al and sat down next to Two Tonys.
“I appreciate you introducing me to Tom Wolfe books,” I said. “A Man in Full is now my favourite work of fiction. There’s not many contemporary authors who hold my interest.”
“Average authors are churning out junk food. Compared to their hamburgers, Tom Wolfe’s books are Beef Wellingtons,” Two Tonys said.
“My parents have been trying to get me reading more contemporary fiction. They sent me some Stephen King novels. I enjoyed reading the Shawshank Redemption.”
“Stephen King’s running a fuckin’ McDonald’s franchise,” Two Tonys said. “He’s pumpin’ out books like he’s makin’ quarter pounders. It took Wolfe eleven years to write A Man in Full. Wolfe’s so fuckin’ good he’s got a war going with those other authors - Updike, Irving and that fuckin’ thug Mailer. They’re jealous of his skills.”
“What do you think of Tom Robbins? My parents are trying to sway me away from him because my blogs started getting too surreal after I read three Robbins books back-to-back recently. The other author to knock me out of orbit like that was Proust.”
“I’m not familiar with this Robbins guy. I’ll tell you something though - he’s got to get up real early in the fuckin’ morning to sharpen his pencil to be in the same league as Tom Wolfe.”
Repo joined our table. “I seen Xena coming out of the shower,” Repo said. “That girl’s got a big-ass schlong. Ever notice that shit?”
“What is it with you?” Two Tonys said. “We’re over here trying to have an intellectual fuckin’ conversation about books we’ve read and you’ve gotta come along and talk about schlongs. Have you got some kind of fuckin’ fetish for talkin’ about schlongs and ass-holes when I’m eating?”
“But it’s true,” Repo said. “I’ve been down a long time and I’ve noticed that gay guys have bigger than average schlongs.”
“Listen, I’ve been down twice as long as you and I’ll be honest with ya, I’m not in the habit of checkin’ out men’s schlongs. And the fact that you’re bringin’ schlongs up while I’m tryin’ to converse with my British friend, I’m findin’ insultin’. You wanna talk about schlongs, sit at a fuckin’ chomo or sex pervert table. This table’s for crimes of integrity - like homicides for motherfuckers who asked for it.”
“How about asses? I saw Xena’s ass as well.”
“Hey Repo, you know my reputation. I don’t fuck with these fags - now or never. I don’t look at men’s asses. It’s a case of each to his fuckin’ own.
“I can imagine takin’ you to a fancy joint like the Four Seasons. The maitre d’ gives us a choice table and you wanna talk about the Guatemalan bus boys ass or the shape of the maitre d’s trouser trout. That’s why I can’t ever envisage takin’ you to a five-star restaurant, Repo. You’re strictly McDonald’s - drive-thru material.”
“This spaghetti sauce looks like some marines took a shit in it - straight fuckin’ Panama water,” Repo said.
“That’s because o’ your sick fuckin’ mind - it’s stuck on schlongs and shits and ass-holes. Come hot-dog day, you’re gonna be seein’ the hotdogs as schlongs and cockheads. You’re stuck on phallic fuckin’ symbols.”
Just when I thought the conversation couldn’t warp any further, Xena joined our table.
“Hey guys! Who wants a table dance?” Xena said.
“Me and my Brit friend don’t, but Repo’ll take you in a private booth. He’ll meet you at your cell later on.”
“I was just tellin’ the fella about your big-ass schlong,” Repo said.
“Not that I asked for that info, 'cause, to be real honest with ya, I don’t give a fuck if you’re hung like the incredible fuckin’ Hulk. All we’re tryin’ to do is have an intelligent conversation about literature."
“Two Tonys, are you sure you don’t wanna see my swingset?” Xena said.
“No, I don’t care to...but if the day ever comes when I do, I’m hopin’ you motherfuckers will snuff me out by smotherin’ me with a pillow first - like at the end of One Flew Over A Cuckoo’s Nest. After that I’ll meet you motherfuckers in hell, 'cause that’s where we’re all headin’.”

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Copyright © 2004-2005 Shaun P. Attwood

Jon’s book wishlist – he is allowed used or new books as long as they are sent direct from publishers such as Amazon.


Anonymous said...

I saw the article in cosmopolitan. My thoughts and prayers are with you in this hard time...
Btw, You have just got another regular reader :)

Anonymous said...

Still reckon you've got a film script or two in you.
Hope you enjoy the festive season.

Anonymous said...

Read Cosmo article also...your story has touched me like no other has.You deserve the best,not this, my heart and soul are with you and your wonderful and supportive family.

Fran Lee UK

Rudy Wellsand said...

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Anonymous said...

Karen, Speaking to your mum as I type and she says to tell you they've seen Shaun and he's his usual self.

Eye is no longer red coz he stopped standing on his head for a while.

He sends his love to you, and all best seasonal greetings to all his readers.

Mum'll try phone you tomorrow. Misses you and loves you.


Message relayed through Tony of George and Dragon Phoenix

Anonymous said...

Like alot of people ive saw your article in cosmopolitin magazine and my thoughts are with you and your family at this time of year.

Anonymous said...

I read your story in cosmo, i've never been so moved by an article. My thoughts are with you & your family especially over the festive period...... and i suspect like many others, you've now got yourself another regular reader.

Helen UK