05 Feb 06

Cult Of Xena (COX)

From the balcony in front of Frankie’s cell, Xena was preaching to a growing crowd of listeners: “Soon you will all be members of COX - Cult Of Xena!”
Frankie’s cell door opened and out came his cellmate, Speedy, who looked up at Xena and said, “Xena, will you breast feed me like a baby?”
Xena did a pelvic thrust, and said, “You can suck this nipple.”
A skinhead in the crowd glowered at Xena and Speedy, and said, “Fuckin’ queer asses.”
“You bald bastard,"Xena said. "You look like a penis. How about I tattoo a slit on your head and call you Xena’s forbidden?”
While Xena was ranting, Pops, looking like a frozen cadaver, shuffled along the balcony towards Xena, and said, “I told Queen Elizabeth Xena’s hung like a donkey, and she hasn’t been the same since.” With cane in hand, Pops did a little dance.
“This is Pops the stripper,” Xena said. “He started The Chippendales in the twenties. My grandparents used to get down at his show.”
Pops chuckled and ambled away.
Xena stepped in front of a youngster who was hurrying along the balcony, and said, “What do you know about COX?”
“Say what?” the youngster said, grinned, sidestepped Xena, and vanished.
The audience was still laughing when George appeared.
“Georgie,” Xena said. “Has the cold made your nipples hard?”
George raised his top, revealing his nipples.
“Do you wanna make your nipples bigger?” Xena said “Mine used to be really small until I started wrappin’ rubber bands around them.”
“My nipples are perfectly fine,” George said.
“You sound testy, George,” Xena said. “Haven’t you been spanked lately?”
“Last night, in my dreams, I was getting spanked by you, while I was rubbing Jon's head.”
“Last night, in your dreams,” Xena said, “did you rub Jon’s prostrate?”
“No, silly.”
“Have you ever rubbed someone’s prostrate while making love?” Xena said.
“No, slut,” George said.
“Have you ever licked butt, and rubbed someone’s prostrate at the same time?”
“Only yours, honey,” George said.
Xena turned, faced the crowd, and said, “Soon you will all be COX members, wearing white robes opened around the waist like gunslingers, and pink tutus and spandex tights.”
A guard shook his head at Xena.
Nodding at the guard, Xena said, “You too are a COX member. Don’t stress out, you’ll get your pink tutu tomorrow.”
The guard hurried away.
“When I tell you all to spread, spread real wide. Now spread 'em!” Xena said.
“You go girl,” Frankie said, emerging from his cell.
“See what I have to work with! That’s why I need enforcers.” Xena said. “Who wants to be enforcers and who wants to be spreaders?”
“Can I be a shooter?” a Native American known as Bobbus yelled.
“Yes, you can be a salad shooter,” Xena said.
“Put me down as a tosser then,” Bobbus said.
“I heard all about you and Yum-Yum,” Xena said to Frankie.
“Quit tellin’ on me, Englandman,” Frankie said.
“Was Yum-Yum pretty? Did she have tatas?” Xena said.
“Aw, man," Frankie said. “Yum-Yum looked and sounded like a girl. I woulda kissed the shit outta him. I shit you not. I woulda put some serious tongue in that dude’s mouth. Englandman knows, he used to watch me stroke it to Yum-Yum at the Madison St jail.”
“I lived next door to Yum-Yum,” I said. “Everyone was hitting on her, and Frankie was leading the pack.”
“Rec time is over. Lock down everybody. Rec time is over,” came the announcement over the speaker system.
“Rectum is over. Rectum is over,” Xena said. “Did everyone have a good rectum?”

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Copyright © 2005-2006 Shaun P. Attwood


Anonymous said...

Sounds like someone's been on the home made wine again!
Terry B

Anonymous said...

Oh god I really want to be a member of COX! How do I go about it?
Jack, Illinois

Anonymous said...

Just thought I would comment that this seemed to be the only story that I was the least bit interesting, I would think that prison would be way more interesting. Maybe you should write more about Xena or have her start her own blog!

Yayoi said...

Aww she is so funny, I love her so much.