19th May

Reversing on a Slope

Seeing Slope I began to sing, “Yankee Doodle Dandy –"
“Stuck a feather,” Slope sang, “in his butt and called it macaroni.”
“That’s bloody rubbish,” I said.
“Bloody rubbish!” Slope said. “That’s a used tampon.”
“Jon’s lookin’ for somethin’ more inspirational,” Red said.
“If he puts a finger in his butt, that’ll inspire him,” Slope said.
“You’re sure fixated on sticking things in butts this fine morning, Slope,” I said.
“When you get fucked so many times, you wanna fuck someone else,” Slope said. “The English know all about that – the sneaky bastards.”
“You sneaked up via New Orleans. Goddam frickin’ shifty Limey characters.”
“Shifty!” I said. “Us Brits are well-mannered and honest.”
Slope eyes narrowed with disbelief.
“Slope’s givin’ you the stink eye,” Red said.
“Like that, Slope?”
“Are you sayin’ the history books wuz wrong,” Slope said. “Puh-leeze.”
“How’s Xena doing?” I asked.
“Why?” Slope said. “Are you tryin to smack that brown Cheerio?”
“You’ve got to remember,” Red said, “cheerio means somethin’ else in England. Cheerio, old boy, I’ll see you for high tea at Harrods.”
“Jon ain’t doin’ no high tea at goddam Harrods.” Slope said. “He was too busy eatin’ Ecstacy and scratchin’ his balls all night.”
“We didn’t scratch our balls.” I said. “We did silly things with Vick’s Inhalers.”
“Didn’t you Limeys start all that rave shit out here? Doin’ the E thang, man. I’ve only seen that shit on TV. MDMA. But I do know a little bit about the chemical composition at the molecular level. Gotta love American chemists,” Slope said. “How d’yuh think them GIs marched across Europe in the middle of winter? Spun outta their minds they wuz on good dope. Government speed. Nonna that made-outta-sinus-pill shit.”
“You ever use lube, Slope?”
“Hell yeah! How d-yuh Limeys keep friction down in yer motorceeckles?”
“How about water-based lube? Do you prefer that?”
“Well in your machine shops - “
I couldn’t contain my laughter when Xena arrived. Xena, who had heard the lube questions, laughed too.
Grrrrr!” Slope said. “The goddam Limey’s askin’ lube questions, and I’m figurin he’s talkin’ about greasin’ motorceeckles, when he’s reckonin’ on ridin’ the ass with it.”

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Copyright © 2006-2007 Shaun P. Attwood


Anonymous said...

Hey Jon,

Any chance we can get a photo of the cast/crew of your unit? I know they sell photos at visits or a camera in the canteen, so how 'bout it? A little visual to put a face to the characters such as Slope, Grit, Frankie and Xena to go along with the wonderful diary. I'll start a petition. Anyone else wanna back me up on this? Please consider! -Jose in San Diego

Anonymous said...

no offense - One word CONFIDENTIALITY!

Anonymous said...

I agree with anon - No way Jose!

Anonymous said...

Well there it is...the people have spoken! I'll have to resort to the default images of Ru-Paul (Xena), Joe Pesci (Frankie),(Grit)Vin Diesel, and D-Bo from "Friday" as T-Bone. Lest not I forget Tony Sirico (Two-Tony's). -Jose in SD

Sue O. (aka Joannie, SS) said...

It would be great to actually see these characters, but that you can put actors' faces to them is really a testament to the descriptive power of the writing. I'm still for a screenplay. We do need guards, though-they are such an integral part of the scene, even if only for counterpoint to the action.

adam said...

A screenplay - gawd dayum... did you sell the movie-rights yet?

It's gonna be a brutal and poetic story. An inner roadmovie behind bars.

Starring Joe Pesci, Vin Diesel, Ru-Paul and... hmm ... who's gonna play you Jon?

Anonymous said...

Jon can play himself as he's out soon.

Anonymous said...

A movie or book deal yes! Or faces to see. Come on. To the parents of jon who keep track of the comments. Please tell him. "MR. THUNDER FROM DOWN UNDAH"

Anonymous said...

Paul Bettany can play Jon.. mmm mmm mmm LOL..

Unknown said...

I used to make meth with Vicks inhalers jumping house to house having surfs go and buy these inhalers or steal them. That's before they banned ephedrine.( Vicks used to have 500 mg of ephedrine in them in the early to late 90s,) That's probably why you guys stuck them up your nose. Anyways awesome story.