07 Feb 08

Zucchini (Part 1)

Because many of you asked for more details of what prisoners get up to sexually, I spent a long time with Max documenting his sexual awakening in the prison system. Fearing repercussions, Max asked that I wait until we were both out of prison before I posted this series. It’s a long series, and Max just gets in deeper and deeper. I’d like to thank Max for being so candid.

“I was deliverin’ chow,” Max said, “to lay-ins on Yard 3, and I see my buddy, Log, peekin’ outta Cindy’s door.”
“What do Log and Cindy look like?”
“Log’s a big dude, and Cindy’s a tiny white dude, maybe one-hundred-and-five pounds, with long light-brown hair.”
“With a pretty face?”
“No. With a dude’s face.”
“What happened?”
“I leave my cart with all the trays on the motherfucker – I know they’re gonna get stolen – and I go into Cindy’s cell. Cindy’s on the top bunk. I’ve seen him around, but I’ve never spoken to him before. Log’s standin’ next to the door, and he says, ‘Look at this.’ I said, ‘Wassup, man?’ He says, ‘Cindy, lift up the sheet.’ Cindy was layin’ on his side. He lifts the sheet, and I see a shampoo bottle about as round as a tennis ball but with serious length. The motherfucker had to be at least eleven inches, dude. Log comes over and lifts up one of Cindy’s buttcheeks, so that his starfish is in full view. Log says, ‘Hey, do that thing again.’ Cindy commences to get the bottle and slowly work it into his tiny little pucker – and you can’t just shove somethin’ that size in there, dude, you’ve gotta work it in. Well, he finally gets it in a coupla inches – picture somethin’ tiny with somethin tennis-ball wide inside it. I mean, it was sheer amazin’, dude, that it so stretched to capacity. I mean, how does one blow their O-ring like that? Does it take years of practice? Do they have sphincter control when they take a shit or do they just squat and it goes plop-plop?
So me and Log are just standin’ there lookin’, and Cindy is workin’ the shampoo bottle in further. It’s startin’ to get a little natural lube thing goin’ on. It’s so wide I’m thinkin’, If he takes an inch, he might as well get the whole eleven in there. I could’ve stuck my fist in there – and I’m a big dude with big hands – but not that I would.”
“Was Cindy making noises?”
“Of course. He’s moanin’ and tryin’ to make it seem all seductive and shit. Like that’s a turn on. Fuckin’ that would be like droppin’ a pencil down a mineshaft.”
“Are you sure you weren’t thinking about giving it a go?”
“Hell no! He’s nasty, dude. I woulda caught all kinds of stuff.”
“So what was the joy of watching this?”
Blushing and stuttering, Max said, “There was no joy. If you ever come across a situation like that, you’ll be stupefied.”
“How did you feel?”
“I don’t know, man. I’m not a voyeur.”
“Yes, in some small way.”
“Yes. Four or five minutes went by, and it was like I was a deer caught in the headlights. I was stuck. What broke me outta the situation was when Log said, ‘Imagine what you could keyster in there.’ And then they called me back to the kitchen over the loudspeaker. I say, ‘I’ve gotta go, dude.’ I’m chucklin’. I just don’t know what to say ’cause I’ve never been in a situation like that before. Do you say, ‘Right on, dude. Thanks for the show’?
I leave and my face is all red, and people are yellin’, ‘Max, what happened?’ I get my cart – which is seven trays light – and go back to the kitchen thinkin’, He didn’t even use grease or anythin'. He literally pushed it in there.”
“So you couldn’t stop thinking about it?”
“I have to admit, I was fascinated by it. I’ve seen broads in porno mags gettin’ fist fucked, but the poon is made to stretch like that. So I get back to the kitchen, and guess what they tell me?”
“I dunno.”
“That I’ve got to go back to Yard 3 to give a CO a tray. And the CO is right by Cindy’s cell.”
“Which, naturally, you happened to return to?”
“And then what happened?”
“Oh, dude, do you really wanna know?”

If you were in Max’s position would you stay away from or return to the scene of the shampoo-bottle show? And if you would return, why?

Email comments to writeinside@hotmail.com or post them below

Copyright © 2007-2008 Shaun P. Attwood


Anonymous said...

Personally, I'd return to make sure he got it out ok-butt (no pun intended) if he didn't I don't think I'd help out in that matter. The whole sexual thing is what it is and it is never gonna change in the prisons butt (again, no pun) with the realization of the spreading of germs and diseases one would hope that would be enough to maintain. For lifers, it must be near impossible. I don't know the answers butt ( there I go again!) there must be someway to satisfy the urges that sex provides. Tell me more!!!!!

Sue O. (aka Joannie, SS) said...

Deeper than this? Yikes...I guess it begs the question how many ways are there to put a round peg in a square hole? Alot, I suppose. Is this really satisfying?

Anonymous said...

wouldn't return!

Anonymous said...

Butt, I am thinking if it is not a pun then it would be spelled but, butT atleast we all know what's on your mind :D..

Jon, Does the prison hand out condoms for the sexually active?

Jon said...

The prison does not hand out condoms. Sex of any kind is against the rules.

Sue O. (aka Joannie, SS) said...

I'm not sure a condom is necessary on a shampoo bottle...I'm sorry-it's just too hilarious not to contemplate!

Suzanne the Salty One said...

I think I might have to return to watch. I would imagine something like that would break up the monotony of prison life, but no participating, that would be all kinds of icky! It would be like slowing down to watch a car wreck, you know it's so wrong but you cannot help yourself.

Anonymous said...

That is but a grain of sand on the beach of prison sexual activities. As a Southern Hispanic, in California we are prohibited from engaging in any type of sex play. No homosexuality, no horse play of any kind. The immediate sanction is a green light. In general pop and amongst the African American inmates, homosexuality and rapes are commonplace. But the Woods (Anglos) do not participate in that behavior as well. I have heard of many many different ways people seek sexual gratification. Masturbation in your private cell is common place and practiced quite often (I remember the Border Brothers giving us Porno DVDs), but no homo acts were tolerated. I have witnessed scolding hot coffee poured on one inmate that violated the code of conduct, with skin peeling off of his face and into his eyelids. Quite a sight to see. Burning flesh has to be one of the foulest odors of any kind.

However, as Jon may concur, there is a plethora of methods inmates use for self gratification. Butter as a lubricant, fifis (warm soaked sock or toilet paper tube to simulate a woman's vagina) and marbles inserted into a mans penis surgically (inmate surgery). There are many things inmate do to themselves (tooth removal being the main one).

-Jose in San Diego

Anonymous said...

Yea, I was not asking about condoms for the sake of a shampoo bottle, but thanks for the clarification on that.

sparrow said...

Jose in San Diego - At the risk of seeming like a complete idiot ... why would one surgically insert marbles into one's penis? I don't mean to turn this post into edgy-sex 101, but...

(oh... and on topic, I'd go back.)